illegal block: get around and sell a dress

Writer's block.  Building blocks.  New Kids on the Block.  Jenny from The Block.

I have experience with all of these, but there is one more block that trips me up: Blockage.

Blockage is when you know you need to do something and you not only feel within you a great desire to avoid something.  Now, this differs from not wanting to do laundry or write a paper.  Those are task that few souls enjoy and it's obvious as to why they would be avoided.  Blockage refers to the tasks that aren't that heavy or laden with negativity, but your psyche or subconscious are strongly adverse to completing.

Let's get personal.  About 4 years ago I let someone put a ring on my finger... I won't say I shouldn't have or that I regret it because it was part of a path that lead me here and I am one happy little lady... However, I will say that we were definitely not meant to be together.  I won't presume to speak for him, but I know I wish him well and learned a lot.  Now, during this whole proposal, I did what every bride-to-be does and planned a wedding.  I even found "The Perfect Dress" (Yes, that's a link to see it.  I need my reader emotionally involved!).  Yeah, well now this "perfect dress" has been hanging in my closet (on two sides of this country, nonetheless) for over 3 years and it's time to say goodbye.  I have changed, my body has changed, my heart has changed... and even though the dress is gorgeous and in perfect condition, I can't seem to wrap my head around putting it on and strolling down the isle to... anyone.  Time to sell.  Time to sell... tomorrow.  Oh, or Thursday after I have coffee with Amanda.  Well, Friday I want to finish painting that multimedia piece... Whoa.  Wait, why the hell am I making excuses?  I need that money to finish my schooling, which will propel me into a place I have wanted to be for a decade.  I need to not have a reminder of the past and an unhealthy relationship hanging next to my favorite blazer.  Why then, self, are you not throwing that bad boy on a billboard and laughing all the way to the bank?  

Simple.  We cannot just sell shit and not deal with the issue.  We know, in our core of cores, that when we sell the perfect dress, update the dreaded résumé, or finally catch up with someone we have been 'meaning to call' that we are, in fact, addressing an issue... Whether we want to or not.  Updating your résumé means you have to think about your future, explain your past, justify your actions, and put yourself out there.  It's change.  Catching up with someone (the relationship determines a lot, here) means you have to figure out why you weren't spending more time together or chatting, explain yourself, possibly apologize, and update another person about your Pinterest projects or listen to their potty training stories.  

Selling my former would-be wedding dress was a little different.  You would think it would be difficult because it was saying "goodbye" to him, our former would-be future, etc... However, it was more about the value of the dress.  My ex and I have no unfinished business, but I do value that dress because it was a beautiful time in my life and I hold it at a value where money doesn't touch it.  However, since I cannot buy a plane ticket with emotions and I don't need an expensive dress I can't wear anywhere to remind me of the lessons I have learned, out she goes.  

Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice. 
-Wayne Dyer 

You have to want to move past these issues.  It's like working out; you dread going to the gym and have a thousand excuses, however while you are working out you can actually feel the improvement in your mindset, you become proud of yourself, and the more you do it, the easier it becomes.  Afterwards, you feel fantastic and you see a change (just go with me on that one...).  

Remember when I challenged you? (If not, click on it and read it.  I double dare you...) Well, consider this challenge numero dos.  

Write down a 'To Do' list.  List everything from household chores to errands to things you have been meaning to do.  Then highlight the really specific ones you aren't looking forward to doing.   That in itself is a huge step... Give yourself a cookie.  Just one, dude...  

Now, turn your paper over and write why each one is something you aren't looking forward to doing.  This is facing your blocks.  Now, look at yourself in the mirror and yell and wave the paper around a lot... "What? It's COLD?! You don't want to run because it's a little chilly?  Pansy*!"  Then, realize that all that wasn't necessary, but sometimes you have to change where you are sitting to see something from another angle.  Ask yourself, "Why is this so difficult for me?  Why am I putting it off?" 

If you can't get over it, get around it.

*Note: Anyone who knows me knows I have much more... colorful language skills.  I will allow you to adjust for your own level of comfort.  Go to where you are comfortable, and then turn it up 3 notches.  Yeah, scare yourself with foul language.  

Challenge yourself, people!  You are the product of a bajillion years of evolution... Act like it.  

I listed my dress, I updated my résumé, I went outside while it was cold, I waved my paper and yelled in the mirror, I even wrote a few notes to send love and catch up to some folks from days-gone-by as a gesture to you, my readers.  I cannot, in good faith, ask you to do something I have not or will not.  Now, someone buy my wedding dress, please. 

If there is no struggle, there is no progress.  -Frederick Douglass 

xx.a

in to me see

Intimacy. 
In to me see. 

Intimacy is the foremost ignored aspect of a relationship... and the most important.  Most people refer to intimacy in regards to the physical closeness: kissing, touching, sex, etc.  For me, and for many others who choose a path of growth and self-betterment, it is almost completely emotional.  

We all have our baggage from our childhoods, our past relationships, friends who have wronged us, and our own mistakes (for those that truly own them).  It is how we carry that baggage that determines our success in our present and future relationships.  There are countless other analogies and metaphors for baggage and finding someone whose baggage "matches yours" or "is willing to carry some from time to time"... That's wonderful for those that it inspires, but for me, it is more about realizing what you carry with you and consolidating.  

When you are backpacking through the world, you can only bring with you what you can carry on your back and shoulders.  You don't need ten pairs of jeans and high heels for each color scheme.  You need the basics, the things that will get you through the rain and snow, the things that will shade you from the scorching sun, and the things that will remind you where you came from.  The same is true for relationships.  I, personally, have been a victim (and I do not use that term loosely) of every sort of abuse and I have had to learn over the last thirteen years what to bring with me, and what to leave on the table as I move on to the next place.  

The lesson I learned when I was cheated on by my boyfriend- with my best friend, no less- was to evaluate who my friends are, why they are my friends (Are they friends with me to gain something?  Are there ulterior motives?  Do their core values match mine?) and whether or not we are bringing out the best in each other.  That is the baggage I choose to bring with me: experience.  The baggage I chose to leave behind: distrust, anger, cynicism, and fear.   

It is very easy for people to get caught up in being the victim and create a pool of pity they are too afraid to climb out of.  Newsflash: You will eventually drown.  

With all this baggage, any person will begin to feel like Atlas, and their relationships will suffer.  How can you gaze into your partner's eyes and be completely honest and open when you looking for the easiest exit?  How can you lovingly embrace the person you want to spend your life with when your arms are full of baggage?  How can you hold hands and walk down the path when you have countless walls that you either built, or were constructed during one of your wars, hindering?  

Intimacy is not an option.  For a successful relationship of any sort, one must be open to change and willing to take down those walls... Even if it is brick by brick.  Some walls can be bulldozed in a short matter of time, and some will take ages.  It is a matter of that person in your life, the one standing on the other side of your wall, being worth the effort it takes to destroy those walls. That person will help you.  That person will accept you as you are.  That person will love you unconditionally.  

Without intimacy, your relationship with your family is nothing but obligation.  
Without intimacy, your relationship with your mate is nothing but friends with benefits.
Without intimacy, your relationship with your friend is nothing but social networking. 
Without intimacy, your relationship with yourself is nothing but an empty existence. 

Don't allow the beautiful things in your life to slip away because you can't reach them over your baggage.  Don't let that person run from you because you are throwing your baggage at them.  Life is too short- guilty of a cliche and too passionate to care- and you have spent the majority of your life learning how to love yourself... You don't have that kind of time to convince somebody else.  The same goes for them.  Tear down your walls, dump the baggage, and quit being a little bitch.  You have more to lose than you think... and regrets are the heaviest of baggage. Intimacy is the only thing that will help you on your journey.  The choice is yours. 

In life, you have three choices: Give up, give in, or give it all you've got. 

Don't blind yourself so you cannot see into your partner.

xx.a

somewhere between champagne and backpacks

I like to make movies in my head.  I also like to sound insane by admitting really strange things and blabbing them somewhat incoherently on a blog that I have managed to trick countless readers into following.  Yeah, so, movies... I like to close my eyes while lying in bed and listening to the sounds of the city and imagine myself in places halfway round the world.  I imagine myself, for example, in Dubai, running my fingers along the sleek glass of the Burj Al Arab Hotel as it glitters under the UAE sun.  I begin to feel the hot sand seep into my sandals as I wander the beaches and take in the slight, compassionate breeze.  I listen for the Arabic, Malayalam, and Urdu words that float through the air and into my ears like foreign lullabies that sing to sleep my worries of the unknown.  I breathe in the smells of nearby shishas being shared by friends and colleagues, smells of grape, peach, and apple call me to come inhale and taste their sweet smoke.  Shawarmas, ghuzi, hoummus, and lamb cause me time and time again to overeat, as the taste is too compelling to not have just one more... 

All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware. –Martin Buber

I see myself walking around markets and trying new foods, sharing experiences with new friends, and writing home to old ones.  Then, I remember where I am at that moment.  Whether I am lying in bed, riding the bus to work, walking through a park, or sipping wine on a patio... I am in Quito, Ecuador.  Six months ago, I was making movies in my sweet little hometown of Corona, California and dreaming about things I didn't even know that I would miss one day.  I dreamt of salsa dancing with Latin men, eating succulent chicken and steamy rice dishes, learning to speak Spanish, drinking ice cold beers in tiendas, and being surrounded by the bohemian spirit.  

I must constantly remind myself to be grateful for what I have, as I am not only currently living my dream but living another soul's dream, by chance, and how dare I take that for granted.  However, this fact will not keep me from dreaming, but will keep me grounded.  I find, once again, my life is a balancing act.  I refuse to let anyone tell me (or anyone else) what balance should be stricken, but I will concede that there need be one.  Some people are unable to live in the now and bury their heads in the sands of the future, finding themselves, one day, middle aged and no better off than they thought.  Some individuals refuse to look at any day but the one they reside in, giving no thought to what lies ahead.  I see merit in both of these approaches, but cannot help but dance slowly around both until we all are swaying together.  The dichotomy that both defines and frees me is what keeps me with my heart, mind, and eyes open.

I just celebrated my four month anniversary here in South America and have had a few revelations while lying on the grass watching the clouds move or cooking eggs and vegetables while listening to the rain fall... I have a gypsy spirit. I am always looking for an inexpensive plane ticket or some special on a boat or train that can deliver my spirit somewhere new and enriching.  I have lost almost all attachment to the things I have left behind in my parents' home and find myself missing people (and food) above all other worldly things. My gypsy spirit beckons to me on the regular, though I cannot honestly say that I always understand what it is she wants from me... However, I try and nourish her as often as I can.  The question has now become, "What nourishes my gypsy spirit?"

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.  -Marcel Proust

I find that when a backpack is strapped to my back and the ground moves at my discretion beneath my feet, that is when I am the most free.  I find myself dancing on the inside.  I live for the feeling of the unknown, the rush from adventure, and the newly sharpened perspective of a place or culture.  I love the independence of the road, the freedom of the sky, and the defiance of the sea.  I know what I take with me is all I need, the music that I find along the way will guide me as a soundtrack, and wherever I land there will be someone to share a cold beer and a story with. 

There is a small part of me that misses some of the comforts and, dare I say, luxuries... I am a sucker for a cold bottle of champagne and a hot bubble bath.  I don't care if it borders on a cliche from a Julia Roberts movie; I will surround myself with candles and soak in bath salts until I am drunk and pruned.  What is it about champagne and all that is associated with it that plucks at my heart strings?  I am not accustomed to luxuries, so it cannot be that I am spoiled or entitled... Is it security?  Perhaps.  The last 10 years have been more inconsistent than stable, by far, and the concept of stability is a folly, at this point.   

I have found that I now crave change more than ever, which contradicts my initial beliefs of stability being the answer to my pseudo-problems.  After just a few months in Ecuador, I was searching for mini-vacations to satiate my lust for travel and going to different bars and restaurants in an effort to diversify my days.  Instead of getting to know new friends over coffee, I prefer to take day trips with them or try something new and crazy.

I went to Colombia for Carnaval this passed February and stayed in a sweet little hostel a few minutes walk from Old Town. The freedom I felt as I rocked in an old, wooden rocking chair with my bare feet on the mosaic tile floor of the community courtyard was liberating. I am so fortunate to be sipping fresh Colombian coffee on the Caribbean coast, exploring one of the most misunderstood countries
In the world, and living, not only my dream, but countless others' as well. The beds were mediocre, but acceptable, the family running the hostel rarely wore shoes, and there was no hot running water. Why on earth was this heavenly to me? Where were the big, white fluffy bathrobes? Where was the huge jacuzzi tub? Where was the massive, luxurious bed? Why was I not missing any of those things?

These questions are not limited to this experience, nor my travels. I have little preoccupation with marriage and zero concern about my biological clock ticking. According to society, that makes me a gypsy and a weirdo... I'll take both with a smile. Though I truly miss my dryer, I have grown accustomed to hanging my laundry to dry. I feel as though my newly adopted lifestyle has altered my perception of what is normal and what is a luxury. A few years back, normal was having a fridge full of food, having a bathtub, and being able to flush toilet paper. All of those are now luxuries. I count change now, saving every coin I find, knowing it could add up to a bus fare or an almuerzo, whereas I used to give all my change to the neighborhood kids or into the family's communal beer bottle bank. I've not become money-hungry by any means, but I am definitely more careful than ever with my spending.

So, I've fallen in love with my backpack. I've traded my dreams of grey walls and throw pillows for dreams of conversations in a foreign language and stamps in my passport. What of my champagne? I am still a classy broad in need of romance (of my own, personal definition) and a a human being in need of comfort. Can I love both my backpack and my champagne? Must I choose? I believe that it can be both... I can stand on the top of a mountain, backpack in tow, and sip my champagne with sweet satisfaction. I have spent the majority of my adult life bending over backwards for people in my life, sacrificing career and self, it's my turn to find the balance I desire: I want champagne and a backpack.

My life is befitting of dichotomy. I work hard and I love harder. Dressing up and going out for a night on the town is as enticing as watching movies in bed while eating pizza. I find contradictions within my dichotomy... I feel at home in cities I've never been before. I find some of my best friends are people whom I spend a few hours speaking to while lying in a park. My favorite things to write about are experiences that leave me without words. Perhaps, my home lies somewhere between champagne and a backpack.

xx.a

my lack of filter does not justify yours

I initially intended to avoid this subject in this blog for a multitude of reasons, however I was naive in believing that this subject did not merit being addressed publicly.  This is not gay propaganda, nor is it bashing any particular group.  Please read this and take an honest look at yourself... Am I talking about you?  Even a little bit?  Even if I don't know you?


For those who are close to me, you know I am a very open person and will talk to anyone about anything, assuming respect and good taste are present.  Well, assuming makes an ass, as we all know.  I thought that we, as a society, were beyond the slurs, terms of degradation, and judgement without reason.  I thought that people were actually starting to accept people for who they are- nurture and nature.  I thought that, as individualistic as this country is, it would be uncommon and unnatural to pigeonhole persons based on a lifestyle choice (or non-choice), ethnicity, body type, or any other non non-sequitur when it comes to knowing another human being.  I thought that people could actually look at others and say, "This is who they are, I choose to love them".  I thought wrong. I assumed.  I'm an ass. 


Why was I naive enough to let go of the notion that people have their own agendas?  Better an ass than an asshole, I believe.  I understand that I am not without fault, however I do pride myself on accepting people for who they are.  My sister is a perfect example: she and I are very different people with different lifestyles and we do not always see eye-to-eye.  However, I know who she is on the most basic level, and would not try and change her.  On the more complicated levels, her choices may differ from mine, but I do not see them as wrong because we differ.  I see them as hers, and as long as she is alive, happy & not wasting her life away doing something self-deprecating -or not doing anything at all- then I choose to support her.  (For the record, she just landed a huge career opportunity and I am very proud of her.) 


Enough walking on eggshells.  I am proud of who I am, I was born this way, and I love me.  Not like... LOVE.  I am a product of nature and nurture.  I can look at humans without a filter, and though I feel I was born with this ability, I have worked hard to hone this ability over the last ten years.  I love people.  Not men.  Not women.  People.  I love to love people for who they are in their soul- regardless of their gender.  I see people without judging them or judging myself for caring about them.  You like what you like, you love who you love, & you are who you are... You can always better yourself, but you cannot change who you innately are.  If I choose to bring a man to introduce to my loved ones, I am asked the following questions: 

"How old is he?" 

"What does he do for a living?" 

"How'd you two meet?" 

However, if I were to bring a woman, under the same circumstances, the questions & statements differ tremendously: 

"Guess you've never had sex with a real man."

"How do you have sex?" 

"Can I watch/join you?"

Seriously?  I'd put some serious money on the notion that just reading those questions made some of my readers uncomfortable; now imagine hearing them out loud and in front of the person you brought, assuring them acceptance was just a click away.  I see where people might be inquisitive, not being a part of that world, and that is absolutely fine, but it all comes down to respect.  Ask if you can talk to me about it, don't just offer your penis up on a plate; I am pretty sure I can find one on my own, thanks.  Also, just because a woman can be attracted to another woman, does not mean the following: 


1. She is attracted to every single woman. 
2. She has no standards in her selection process. 
3. She will have sex with any man.
4. She is down to have sex with you and your girlfriend/friend/buddy/dog/homeless guy. 
5. She is a toy, play thing, piece of meat, or non-human. 
6. She has "Daddy Issues".


That being said, I have none of the above in my little black book: I'm a lady.  Though I pride myself on not being like other girls in many ways, you still have to talk to me with the same respect you would a normal girl... Scratch that.  I want more respect.  I don't lie, cheat, steal, or play games, and I put it all on the table.  If every conversation we have turns sexual or to my experience and dating history (usually focused on women, because men are simple creatures) then you will shortly find our conversations will dwindle quickly to non-existent.  There is so much more to me than that, and if you cannot see that, or don't care to explore that side of me, you will never explore the side of me you are showing obsessive tendencies toward.  Treating a woman- or anyone, for that matter- like a science experiment or social abnormality is uncharacteristically crude, even in this desensitized world we live in.  We clear?  Use your filter, have some respect & remember that people who live differently- be it sexuality, religion, or otherwise- does not make them subhuman and something for you to dissect at your own discretion.  You cannot put me into a box, you cannot force me to label myself or my core feelings, nor can you force me to be anything but a happy, free individual.  

Proud to be me.  No labels. 

For the first time in my life, I have experienced serious judgement from loved ones in my life, simply because of my lack of filter, as I like to call it.  They call it my "sexual choice".  Newsflash: I didn't get a say.  It'd be so much easier to just know, as some people do, that there is only one choice.  The entity that is "me" knows that there is no obvious choice.  When I find that person, I will know it is the right one for me to be with... I don't give a half a damn which department they shop in.  Why wouldn't you want someone in your life- friend, family, coworker- to be happy?  Misery loves company?  Since I was about 12 or 13, I can remember being as fascinated by the female form as the male form.  At my 16th birthday party, a good friend of mine and I decided to kiss.  Admittedly, it was exciting (and she was a good kisser) but I wasn't dying to date her or vying for her attention afterwards.  We just stayed friends, and it worked.  It also didn't feel unnatural.  That doesn't mean you can objectify me now, nor does it mean I am better than you, nor you than I. 


The most painful of all the things I have experienced in my life- from high school horrors of being attacked in every way for being a published model to having my figure criticized by complete strangers to losing loved ones- the most excruciating is the rejection from someone you admire.  I have had men I was being courted by drop me upon finding out I have been involved with women.  I have had many, many men spout out the three aforementioned questions, and then ad-lib a myriad or other moronic statements.  The day that stopped me in my tracks, was the day a close friend's mother informed me that I was the problem.  This coming from a supposed 'Gay Rights Activist' and 'lover of the arts'.  To this day, when our paths cross, she refuses to address me, even when I have shown her nothing but respect, mature demeanor, and given zero reasons for her to have any distaste.  Obviously, I have lost a massive amount of respect for her, but it still kills me that she just doesn't understand me, my lifestyle (whatever that means), or anything about the variety of personalities encompassed within whatever community he thinks I am a part of.  There are so many types of people out there: malicious, altruistic, artistic, selfish, brilliant- the same is true in every race, sexuality, gender, ethnicity, religion and so on.  Like what you like, but keep an open mind and use your damn filter.  All people have feelings, not just straight ones. 


I'd like to introduce my audience to something called NOH8.  The NOH8 Campaign is a photographic silent protest created by celebrity photographer Adam Bouska and partner Jeff Parshley.  It initially was in direct response to Prop 8 in California, however it has become a wide-standing statement against hate in general, especially towards the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender) community. Take a minute and check it out, if you haven't already.  

Courtesy NOH8

I am not asking you to make a public statement supporting anything, I am merely asking you to take a moment to consider that your preconceived notions, snap judgements, or even learned behaviors could be wrong, hurtful, & damaging to the relationships you have in your life.  "Not In My Backyard" and "Don't Ask Don't Tell" don't fly anymore, folks.  If you were unaware, we are officially in the Civil Rights movements of the newer millennium.  The 1960's showed tremendous change in how African Americans were treated in America (which took too damn long) and I would like the 2010's to show incredible advancement in the acceptance of LGBT individuals- not tolerance.  

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when people are afraid of the light. -Plato

Thanks to all of you who love me and the people in your life unconditionally.  xx.a