somewhere between champagne and backpacks

I like to make movies in my head.  I also like to sound insane by admitting really strange things and blabbing them somewhat incoherently on a blog that I have managed to trick countless readers into following.  Yeah, so, movies... I like to close my eyes while lying in bed and listening to the sounds of the city and imagine myself in places halfway round the world.  I imagine myself, for example, in Dubai, running my fingers along the sleek glass of the Burj Al Arab Hotel as it glitters under the UAE sun.  I begin to feel the hot sand seep into my sandals as I wander the beaches and take in the slight, compassionate breeze.  I listen for the Arabic, Malayalam, and Urdu words that float through the air and into my ears like foreign lullabies that sing to sleep my worries of the unknown.  I breathe in the smells of nearby shishas being shared by friends and colleagues, smells of grape, peach, and apple call me to come inhale and taste their sweet smoke.  Shawarmas, ghuzi, hoummus, and lamb cause me time and time again to overeat, as the taste is too compelling to not have just one more... 

All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware. –Martin Buber

I see myself walking around markets and trying new foods, sharing experiences with new friends, and writing home to old ones.  Then, I remember where I am at that moment.  Whether I am lying in bed, riding the bus to work, walking through a park, or sipping wine on a patio... I am in Quito, Ecuador.  Six months ago, I was making movies in my sweet little hometown of Corona, California and dreaming about things I didn't even know that I would miss one day.  I dreamt of salsa dancing with Latin men, eating succulent chicken and steamy rice dishes, learning to speak Spanish, drinking ice cold beers in tiendas, and being surrounded by the bohemian spirit.  

I must constantly remind myself to be grateful for what I have, as I am not only currently living my dream but living another soul's dream, by chance, and how dare I take that for granted.  However, this fact will not keep me from dreaming, but will keep me grounded.  I find, once again, my life is a balancing act.  I refuse to let anyone tell me (or anyone else) what balance should be stricken, but I will concede that there need be one.  Some people are unable to live in the now and bury their heads in the sands of the future, finding themselves, one day, middle aged and no better off than they thought.  Some individuals refuse to look at any day but the one they reside in, giving no thought to what lies ahead.  I see merit in both of these approaches, but cannot help but dance slowly around both until we all are swaying together.  The dichotomy that both defines and frees me is what keeps me with my heart, mind, and eyes open.

I just celebrated my four month anniversary here in South America and have had a few revelations while lying on the grass watching the clouds move or cooking eggs and vegetables while listening to the rain fall... I have a gypsy spirit. I am always looking for an inexpensive plane ticket or some special on a boat or train that can deliver my spirit somewhere new and enriching.  I have lost almost all attachment to the things I have left behind in my parents' home and find myself missing people (and food) above all other worldly things. My gypsy spirit beckons to me on the regular, though I cannot honestly say that I always understand what it is she wants from me... However, I try and nourish her as often as I can.  The question has now become, "What nourishes my gypsy spirit?"

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.  -Marcel Proust

I find that when a backpack is strapped to my back and the ground moves at my discretion beneath my feet, that is when I am the most free.  I find myself dancing on the inside.  I live for the feeling of the unknown, the rush from adventure, and the newly sharpened perspective of a place or culture.  I love the independence of the road, the freedom of the sky, and the defiance of the sea.  I know what I take with me is all I need, the music that I find along the way will guide me as a soundtrack, and wherever I land there will be someone to share a cold beer and a story with. 

There is a small part of me that misses some of the comforts and, dare I say, luxuries... I am a sucker for a cold bottle of champagne and a hot bubble bath.  I don't care if it borders on a cliche from a Julia Roberts movie; I will surround myself with candles and soak in bath salts until I am drunk and pruned.  What is it about champagne and all that is associated with it that plucks at my heart strings?  I am not accustomed to luxuries, so it cannot be that I am spoiled or entitled... Is it security?  Perhaps.  The last 10 years have been more inconsistent than stable, by far, and the concept of stability is a folly, at this point.   

I have found that I now crave change more than ever, which contradicts my initial beliefs of stability being the answer to my pseudo-problems.  After just a few months in Ecuador, I was searching for mini-vacations to satiate my lust for travel and going to different bars and restaurants in an effort to diversify my days.  Instead of getting to know new friends over coffee, I prefer to take day trips with them or try something new and crazy.

I went to Colombia for Carnaval this passed February and stayed in a sweet little hostel a few minutes walk from Old Town. The freedom I felt as I rocked in an old, wooden rocking chair with my bare feet on the mosaic tile floor of the community courtyard was liberating. I am so fortunate to be sipping fresh Colombian coffee on the Caribbean coast, exploring one of the most misunderstood countries
In the world, and living, not only my dream, but countless others' as well. The beds were mediocre, but acceptable, the family running the hostel rarely wore shoes, and there was no hot running water. Why on earth was this heavenly to me? Where were the big, white fluffy bathrobes? Where was the huge jacuzzi tub? Where was the massive, luxurious bed? Why was I not missing any of those things?

These questions are not limited to this experience, nor my travels. I have little preoccupation with marriage and zero concern about my biological clock ticking. According to society, that makes me a gypsy and a weirdo... I'll take both with a smile. Though I truly miss my dryer, I have grown accustomed to hanging my laundry to dry. I feel as though my newly adopted lifestyle has altered my perception of what is normal and what is a luxury. A few years back, normal was having a fridge full of food, having a bathtub, and being able to flush toilet paper. All of those are now luxuries. I count change now, saving every coin I find, knowing it could add up to a bus fare or an almuerzo, whereas I used to give all my change to the neighborhood kids or into the family's communal beer bottle bank. I've not become money-hungry by any means, but I am definitely more careful than ever with my spending.

So, I've fallen in love with my backpack. I've traded my dreams of grey walls and throw pillows for dreams of conversations in a foreign language and stamps in my passport. What of my champagne? I am still a classy broad in need of romance (of my own, personal definition) and a a human being in need of comfort. Can I love both my backpack and my champagne? Must I choose? I believe that it can be both... I can stand on the top of a mountain, backpack in tow, and sip my champagne with sweet satisfaction. I have spent the majority of my adult life bending over backwards for people in my life, sacrificing career and self, it's my turn to find the balance I desire: I want champagne and a backpack.

My life is befitting of dichotomy. I work hard and I love harder. Dressing up and going out for a night on the town is as enticing as watching movies in bed while eating pizza. I find contradictions within my dichotomy... I feel at home in cities I've never been before. I find some of my best friends are people whom I spend a few hours speaking to while lying in a park. My favorite things to write about are experiences that leave me without words. Perhaps, my home lies somewhere between champagne and a backpack.

xx.a

me voy

Here I go. Literally, I'm walking on to the plane docked at LAX that will deliver me safely to the newest an most exciting chapter of my life in Quito, Ecuador.


For those of you who know me (or have at least read my blog posts) know I love planning and organizing... But I have a hot, torrid affair with adventure and spontaneity. This chapter of my life combines this dichotomy better than I could ever have constructed myself, and I am at peace with the balance life has presented me.


Things I know...


-I'm moving to Quito, Ecuador. Now.
-I will be teaching business professionals & executives.
-I'm happier than I have ever been.
-I can't drink the water.
-I will not be living in a grass hut, contrary to popular belief.
-I will not be riding a goat, llama, or any other animal to or from work.
-I speak enough Spanish to get in trouble... Not sure if I speak enough to get back out, though.


The list of things I am unsure of is so much longer and more detailed, I'm worried it will stress my readers out and I will have countless Facebook messages and a plethora of blog comments inquiring as to whether or not I was of sound mind when I signed up for this gig. So I'll share with you the ones that make me giggle & provide a sense of how beautifully unclear my future is in Quito.


I don't know how many times I will get lost, how many times I will mispronounce someones name, or how many times I'll wake up and breathe the clean, thin Ecuadorian air and break into a huge smile knowing I have made the best decision of my life.

Honestly, I don't know what I don't know: I am prepared to be unprepared. I cannot fully express how this anticipation moves me in ways I've never felt before. I am moving to a country of which I had zero knowledge of, save its geographic location and couldn't be more thrilled to get to know this world like a new lover. I want to explore her curves, stare into her eyes, laugh with her until the sun comes up, and kiss her sweetly at the perfect moments.


I thank you all for your love, support, encouragement, cards, help, laughs, well wishes, and reminding me that I'm loved on a daily basis.


I will miss my Huntington Beach crew and our Barbie Dream House, vino-fueled photoshoots, scaling the wall like a professional amateur, and walking everywhere there isn't a random truck...


I will miss my LA advertising ladies and our endless laughs, Palm Springs Parties, and industry parties we "have to" go to...


I will miss my Suncrest Crew and our late night driveway sessions, toga parties, Jack from the bottle, big neighborhood dinners, beer pong, stripper poles & GOOD FOR YOU!


I will miss my sweet southern boys and our shit-talking, beer shotgunning, BBQing, days on the lake, Sherlockls, Boston's, and football Sunday Fundays...


I will miss my sassy southern ladies and our ridiculous (drunken) dress-up sessions, Ladybirds, Crown with Sprite-back cut a bitch, stories that happened and we still don't believe...


I will miss my family and our Hearts & Stars, Build Me Up Buttercup, guitar playing, beer brewing, 20+ years of inside jokes, and unconditional love...


I already miss my Australia, Iowa & Sacramento people. Know you're all in my heart.


Mom, Dad, Lindsey, Chris, Lyneia, Chase, Ian, Nik, Lara, Lindsey Sang, Kevin, Finks, Holly, Jason... There aren't words.


Thank you all for blessing me by being in my life, and thank you for staying there as I travel this great world of ours. I love you all so honestly, and always will.


Adios, amigos...


xx.a

I want to be contagious.

Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.   -Angela Monet


The written word is one of the most beautiful forms of expression on this sweet planet, yet I cannot help but feel as though they just cannot fully convey the emotions I feel.  They say a picture is worth a thousand words... This is true, but sometimes even a photograph cannot fully express what is living in my heart.  (That is saying a lot, coming from a photo-obsessed blogger!)  


Strangely enough, I have discovered that, at least for me, it was more difficult to express joy in my writings, paintings, and music than sorrow.  I am naturally a happy person, so this baffled me upon my revelation.  Why would this effort be more difficult if it is natural?  So I pondered my findings over a cup of fresh coffee and a bowl of watermelon cubes while enjoying the early morning breeze through the backdoor screen.  I strive daily to express the joy that I have found in my life- especially over the last year- both as a form of gratitude to the universe, as well as to lead by example.  The negativity in the daily life of people I am surrounded by astounds me.  Quit your bitching, count your blessings, say thank you, and start appreciating your life, people!  It's easier to express discontent or pain because those emotions are stronger when you allow them in.  Since I have parted ways with my old self and the negativity associated with her, I find that the happiness and excitement that is now a constant light in my chest is dominating my creativity.  


Every man dies- Not every man lives.  -William Ross Wallace 


That being said (thanks for riding out my ramblings today) I have to remind myself not to get frustrated when my paintings turn out differently than imagined or when I cannot find the words I need to connect an intangible emotion to a cognitive understanding.  


I paint to create something beautiful I can pour emotion into. 
I write to express ideals and ask questions.
I photograph to capture things that move me.
I sing to open the doors to my soul.
I play guitar to find balance.
I learn languages to connect to other worlds. 
I teach to help mold the minds of a new generation.
I adventure to feed my soul & connect to the universe.  


All these things are beautiful in their own respective ways, and I am so fortunate to have the ability and drive to create in these fields and feel a sense of accomplishment and be filled up with peace and happiness.  My newest adventure is moving abroad to teach English.  This venture combines so many of my loves: travel, teaching, adventure... Plus I will be able to write, paint, photograph, and perform wherever this life takes me.  


There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. -Albert Einstein 


Making someone laugh brings me more inner happiness than I could ever even begin to explain... That is a miracle to me.  I could list two hundred other miracles I am thankful for, but there are two I am focusing on in my life right now: 

1. Every single person I interact with.

2. My new adventure.

Applications are out, kids.  There is no turning back now, not that I would if I could!  I have applied to some amazing countries... Argentina, Brazil, Ecuador, Costa Rica, and Thailand.  This is the first thing I have ever done in my entire life that is for me.  The level of support from the people in my life is outstanding, and I am forever grateful.  I will have to devote an entire blog post to just thanking you crazy people for putting up with me!  I hope that this massive, life-altering step I am taking inspires you all to live your dream, or even start a new one.  I want to be contagious.  I want you all to catch this incredible passion for life and rise with the tides!  I began this post with stating that sometimes my media cannot truly express the light inside of me... I just want you all to feel it for yourselves.  I hope that you can find something in one of our interactions- even if only for a moment- that moves you.  That is the greatest joy and greatest gift I could ever ask for.  


Find some inspiration in something.  Anything.  Start getting out there and making magic happen... Find that inexpressible inner light & inner joy.  Then do your damnedest to express, to share, to inspire, & to give back the positivity into this crazy-amazing universe of ours.  


xx.a

rain, rain, come when I say...

The rain is loved by some, hated by others. Either way you tend to lean it seems that there is no escaping that it refreshes and renews everything, washes clean the day to day madness and waste and allows a clearer view of the world upon ceasing.  It is considered, by some, to be a necessary evil- washing our cars, watering our lawns and gardens, cleaning our gutters- but in this world of instant gratification, society often wants what it wants, but when when they want it.  


We don't always want things when they are offered to us and can even be found proverbially stomping our feet when it is raining instead of the sun beating down on our skin.  Isn't this true of opportunities in our everyday life?  Perhaps the rain, so to speak, is offered to us to help us reset our points of view and our behavior.  Everyone needs a rest once in a while, to decline a social engagement and recharge their batteries, reconnecting with their loved ones at home, or even just yourself.  Why complain about the rain when you can take a deep breath and appreciate that maybe it is time to reconnect, recharge, or just put that to-do list in its place.  


The same can be said for a moment of weakness or sadness in life, even if unprovoked or elicited, just to allow yourself to settle and release anything negative from the week.  I don't think some people allow themselves the quite moments where the rain beats on the windows and there is silence.  Conversely, some people focus far too much on the torrential downpour they feel their life represents.  To those glass-half-empty people; knock it off. Life is tough, we all go through a tremendous amount of suffering, loss & tragedy in our lives.  Truth be told, some handle more than others, but that doesn't mean you can't appreciate the beautiful moments that bombard us daily!  Stop focusing on the negative, and find the silver lining. 

"Rain, rain, go away... Come again another day!" 


I think it beneficial to learn to appreciate the rain, for without it, we cannot appreciate the sun.  Just like we cannot appreciate those wonderful moments with our loved ones without time alone, and the reverse being just as true.  So when it rains, remember that it is feeding your gardens and lawns, which when it is sunny, you will play on and enjoy so much more, as they are green and healthy.  When your soul has a rainy day, remember that it is making you stronger and you are going to be twice as amazing the next day.  We should stop trying to control every aspect of our lives, allow some things to carry you to a new and wonderful place, then get back on your feet and forge an incredible path of your own.  


"Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky." -Rabindranath Tagore 


xx.a