end of an era

2010, you're a bitch. You broke my heart, took all my money and the emotional equivalent of taking my brand new beer and the last bite of my hamburger (you know, the center bite with a little bit of everything in it?)... But you also gave me a new perspective, reminded me that things can always be worse, and provided me a fresh start to design- or redesign- my own life.


At the end of every year we tend to take a look back, short sighted, at the twelve months that we think made up a chapter in our lives.  In a sense, they did, however those twelve months were  very much a fraction of a larger chapter in our lives.  We, as a society, often forget to look at the larger chapter until there is a '9' at the end of the year with which we date our checks (who uses checks anymore?).  This year is a very special year for me in closing.  I find myself truly signing escrow papers on massive parts of my life, and with a full heart, keeping the pen I signed them with as souvenir. I've been back and forth across this country, only once for myself, and yet I feel I haven't moved forward in quite some time.  I was once a progressive human being, surpassing expectations and rocking other people's worlds with the bat of an eyelash.  This was a time when I loved myself, which enabled me to love others even more.  This new place that I have been residing in I did not love myself like I used to; not because I wasn't a good person or because I was an unhappy person- but because I wasn't myself.  This ends immediately.


I inherited my compassion from my mother- and for that I thank her- as I feel better in my core when I can bring warmth to another's soul.  I got my passion for life from my father- and for that I thank him- as I find joy in the simplest of things: surprises, sunsets, good beer, laughter, music, inside jokes and so much more.  From each person in my life- family and friends- I have gained something from.  It would take me pages to go through everyone, but rest assured I am thankful and you will get a big hug and kiss from me in the very near future.


I have returned back to this person I used to be in the last few months, but a better version of myself.  I love harder, forgive quicker, take no prisoners, take no bullshit, hope for the best, prepare for the worst, stopped punishing myself, hug longer, and have realized the value of myself.  I have always put others first and it has gotten me nowhere in said relationships.  Perhaps finding this balance will put me exactly where I need to be.  If not, then it's another adventure of self-discovery and stories to tell in a rocking chair on a front porch, one day.


That being said, 2011 is "The Year of the Yes" where I will be saying "yes" to just about everything physically and financially possible.  As mentioned in one of my previous posts, I feel as though saying "yes" lead me to exactly where I needed to be and who I needed to connect with.  Seeing as my priorities and goals have almost all shifted- be it bigger, better, simpler, sweeter or crazier- I might as well follow opportunities and get back on whatever track it is I am supposed to be on.  It's time for me to rock some worlds again, and I could not be more excited and ready.  Watch out, 2011, I am making this the "Year of the Win" as well! 


Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah & Happy New Year to everyone, you are all loved and missed greatly. Make this your year...

xx.a

"Dignity consists not in possessing honors, but in the consciousness that we deserve them."

-Aristotle  

Manifested People?

Whether or not you recognize it, you are faced daily with decisions that alter the rest of your life.  Sometimes these are major decisions; such as moving to another hemisphere or switching careers.  Sometimes they are smaller decisions; like taking a walk instead of watching television or going with a friend to one bar instead of another.  Sometimes, when the fates are smiling, these less obvious decisions turn out to be one of the greatest things to ever happen to you.

The challenge in life is to see beyond what these decisions result in and to see the beautiful additions they present to your life.  I have recently had a lot of blessings appear in my life out of a proverbial nowhere.  I use, "proverbial" because I know it was manifested somehow... My mind and heart became more open to whatever it was I subconsciously wanting in my life.  Some extraordinary people have recently entered into my life, and for that I am forever thankful.  I never would have found these connections without a simple decision to leave one place and head to another; a whim, if you will.  Spontaneity changed my life, even if only slightly, but it's enough to stick with me and warm my heart on the rainy days. 


Is it possible that I manifested people to come into my life by appreciating my 'sponsoring thoughts' without me even knowing it?  Did I switch from fear... to love? (See the book, Conversations with God for further understanding.)  Somehow, I must have opened up a hidden door and allowed myself to be magnificent again, as the people entering my life mirror just that: magnificence.


Either way, it is a wonderful reminder, when fantastic people enter your life, to continue to thrive and live hard and purposefully. These people re-open your eyes and reinvigorate that which is sleeping inside you, and it's fantastic.  I have always felt myself fortunate in life, having the chance to travel, gain a greater education and meet some of the most incredible people on the planet.  I love when life looks at me and says, "You ain't seen nothing yet..." 


So as I wander these paths, I know the hearts of those I have connected with are with me, as I am with them.


"The purpose of life, after all, is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experiences." - Eleanor Roosevelt


xx.a

dis.con.nect.ed.

Lately, I have been feeling disconnected to so many things in my life.  Mind you, I wasn't able to put my finger on said disconnection, but I was definitely feeling the tug of the unknown.  

So I was sitting in the Beverly Center allowing traffic to die down before my trek home and these two average looking gentlemen sat a table away from me.  As I devoured my Kung Pow Chicken, I overheard them start to pray.  They thanks God for their food and asked that it nourish their bodies as their relationships with God nourished their souls.  Bam.  In my face. 

When did I stop thanking God for something as vital as food?  I talk to him every day, asking for guidance and help to do the right thing when the time calls for a decision, even appreciating the sunsets that I sometimes have the pleasure of seeing on my ridiculous drive home.  For some reason, when I stopped thanking him for food (it seemed at the time) I lost the connection.  No, I don't think that saying a blessing before eating was my divine connection, but the forethought is definitely something to be considered.

So then I started considering why I have been feeling like I have been floating around.  My job used to be the dull ache in my spine, but I am really loving my new job and all the people I work with.  So now what is it?  I'm not unhappy... I'm disconnected.  I have been moving back and forth so much in the last few years that I haven't been able to maintain but a few good friendships.  When I went through my "Mr. Big Break-Up", where were my Charlotte, Samantha & Miranda?  No one kidnapped me and took me to Mexico, but can I really feel hurt by that? I had a place to stay for a short while while I got on my feet and remembered how to breathe, but I stumbled on my own through the dark until sunrise.  Haven't I been a Charlotte when needed? 

Moving also affected my connection to wherever I lived.  Moving every year for the last 6 has definitely left its mark on me and mine.  I cannot call any given city home.  Corona, Culver City, Los Angeles, Irving, Mansfield, Arlington, Dallas, Ft. Worth, Grand Prairie... My car is the closest thing to home right now... I need to pick a place and settle for a while. 

Settle.  I love to travel, but you can do that from anywhere.  It's time to start thinking about family.  But what about [insert forty things here]? It will all work out the way it's supposed to... Right? If this job stays as fantastic as it is now, I will find a place to settle down here for a few years.  If not, then the adventure begins again.  More lottery tickets, so to speak.  Settle doesn't imply agreeing to live with something that isn't fantastic, but to give something the proper time to grow and blossom and experience it's majesty. 

Family.  I cannot start trying to have a family until things are a little more stable in certain areas.  No one is ever financially prepared for a child, but my situation doesn't allow too much time for that to be a major issue.  Anyone ever seen 'Idiocracy'? 

Now to reconnect.  Perhaps my increased level of happiness due to my career being back on track and working a job I love will add to all other aspects of my life.  I don't want my happiness to revolve around that little line turning blue.

For those who don't know, in June I was diagnosed with Endometriosis.  It was also discovered that I was born without my right ovary.  This expedites both my rate of losing all my eggs (menopause) and my risks of having internal damage from the Endometriosis.  My incredible doctor (whom I miss dearly here in LA) gave me a few years to have kids naturally, if at all.  In the mean time, with no known cures or treatments outside of surgery or hormone shots, this was a major blow to my maternal side and another challenge obviously God thinks I can handle.  Thanks for the vote of confidence...  

So now the adventure begins.  The point of this blog.  To figure out what and how I am going to do.

I'm prepared to be unprepared.  I am prepared for those to happen completely out of sequence.  I am prepared for God's plan... 

Wish me luck. 
xx.a

Italian Proverbs

An older man had been visiting the same church every week for over 30 years.  Every week he knelt before the same statue of a saint and prayed the same prayer: "Dear Lord, please let me win the lottery."  One Sunday, the man knelt before the same saint statue, prayed the same prayer and hoped with all his heart the same hope.  Suddenly, the statue came to life and stood before the man, who stood in awe.  In a booming voice, the statue told the man, "If you want to win the lottery... Buy a ticket."




Often times we agree to write our own vows, but not our own rules.  We also ask a lot of God, and of others, without thinking about what surrounds us.  If you want to win the lottery, buy a ticket.  If you want to be a painter, then paint, and paint often.


I paint because I love to create.  I don't have very many limitations when there is a brush in my hand.  I can't create if I don't put myself out there.  Even if I screw it up, dislike the outcome or can't find anyone who wants it, at least I created something that captured my emotions.  I also enjoy photography, writing, scrapbooking, guitar and Japanese.  Each of these is an outlet for me, a means of expression and a way for me to connect to something incredible that dwells within me.  If I don't express it- buying the ticket- there is no way to win the lottery- for me to see that which I have created.


In other areas of my life, I am prepping for a lot of things... More to come.  Let's just say I bought a First Class ticket today...
xx.a

Taking the road less traveled.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."


The often-quoted poem by Robert Frost has become almost cliche at this point, but still holds intense and viable truth to those who choose to contemplate it.  I suppose the people who choose to contemplate it are actually taking the road less traveled.  Is that considered irony? Or just amusing?


When I was younger, I wanted what every little girl wanted: to fall deeply in love, get married in a gorgeous white gown, have lots of babies, and own a ton of shoes. Oh, and this was all by the time I was 23, of course, because I would have sown my wild oats by then and would be financially and emotionally prepared... of course. As I have grown older and wiser, I have learned that any sort of plan or time table is a joke.  I believe that God has a plan for me, whether it works with the sketch I have laid out for myself or not, I'm ready for the adventure. 


At the ripe old age of ::sigh:: 26, nothing is as I thought it would be, and I am strangely comfortable with it all.  I do want to get married, but am no longer longing for that big white wedding, and don't feel I will be missing out by getting married on a beach or at a park, like my parents.  I still very much want to have children, but that's another post entirely. I will say, in regards to offsprings, I am not binding myself to the tradition of being married first.  Yes, this contradicts my Christian faith, and I would prefer to have a father-figure around, but again, another post.  I am working on the shoe collection.


Looking back, had you told me that I would not only be starting my entire life over at 26, but would have a completely different set of morals, values & priorities, I would be shocked. Or would I? Would I have taken measures to prevent this life?  Would I have accepted my fate?  Do I believe in fate? Ha, who let me have a blog?

So as I take this road, be it well-worn by the soles of adventure-seekers or untouched except by the sun, it'll all be here.  Read it, don't read it, but be sweet.  


Do something to make yourself smile.  Sit in a funny chair, write a note to yourself and hide it in your jeans or jacket, or call someone to catch up and offer them encouragement.  


xx.a