in to me see

Intimacy. 
In to me see. 

Intimacy is the foremost ignored aspect of a relationship... and the most important.  Most people refer to intimacy in regards to the physical closeness: kissing, touching, sex, etc.  For me, and for many others who choose a path of growth and self-betterment, it is almost completely emotional.  

We all have our baggage from our childhoods, our past relationships, friends who have wronged us, and our own mistakes (for those that truly own them).  It is how we carry that baggage that determines our success in our present and future relationships.  There are countless other analogies and metaphors for baggage and finding someone whose baggage "matches yours" or "is willing to carry some from time to time"... That's wonderful for those that it inspires, but for me, it is more about realizing what you carry with you and consolidating.  

When you are backpacking through the world, you can only bring with you what you can carry on your back and shoulders.  You don't need ten pairs of jeans and high heels for each color scheme.  You need the basics, the things that will get you through the rain and snow, the things that will shade you from the scorching sun, and the things that will remind you where you came from.  The same is true for relationships.  I, personally, have been a victim (and I do not use that term loosely) of every sort of abuse and I have had to learn over the last thirteen years what to bring with me, and what to leave on the table as I move on to the next place.  

The lesson I learned when I was cheated on by my boyfriend- with my best friend, no less- was to evaluate who my friends are, why they are my friends (Are they friends with me to gain something?  Are there ulterior motives?  Do their core values match mine?) and whether or not we are bringing out the best in each other.  That is the baggage I choose to bring with me: experience.  The baggage I chose to leave behind: distrust, anger, cynicism, and fear.   

It is very easy for people to get caught up in being the victim and create a pool of pity they are too afraid to climb out of.  Newsflash: You will eventually drown.  

With all this baggage, any person will begin to feel like Atlas, and their relationships will suffer.  How can you gaze into your partner's eyes and be completely honest and open when you looking for the easiest exit?  How can you lovingly embrace the person you want to spend your life with when your arms are full of baggage?  How can you hold hands and walk down the path when you have countless walls that you either built, or were constructed during one of your wars, hindering?  

Intimacy is not an option.  For a successful relationship of any sort, one must be open to change and willing to take down those walls... Even if it is brick by brick.  Some walls can be bulldozed in a short matter of time, and some will take ages.  It is a matter of that person in your life, the one standing on the other side of your wall, being worth the effort it takes to destroy those walls. That person will help you.  That person will accept you as you are.  That person will love you unconditionally.  

Without intimacy, your relationship with your family is nothing but obligation.  
Without intimacy, your relationship with your mate is nothing but friends with benefits.
Without intimacy, your relationship with your friend is nothing but social networking. 
Without intimacy, your relationship with yourself is nothing but an empty existence. 

Don't allow the beautiful things in your life to slip away because you can't reach them over your baggage.  Don't let that person run from you because you are throwing your baggage at them.  Life is too short- guilty of a cliche and too passionate to care- and you have spent the majority of your life learning how to love yourself... You don't have that kind of time to convince somebody else.  The same goes for them.  Tear down your walls, dump the baggage, and quit being a little bitch.  You have more to lose than you think... and regrets are the heaviest of baggage. Intimacy is the only thing that will help you on your journey.  The choice is yours. 

In life, you have three choices: Give up, give in, or give it all you've got. 

Don't blind yourself so you cannot see into your partner.

xx.a

holly golightly and a cup of tea

Being sick is one of the most miserable experiences we as humans have to deal with. Sinus pressure, itchy eyes, coughing, sneezing, exhaustion, and body aches. All we want to do is sleep it off and find a bit of comfort and reprieve. Interestingly enough, this is also when the people around us tend to keep their distance more, for fear of contracting this misery incarnate themselves. Truth be told, nobody likes even ready a status update about how sick someone is. When I am sick I want a grilled cheese sandwich, tomato soup, ginger ale, and to watch "The Princess Bride"... Not to be shunned and ignored. It is human nature to want to be cared for in moments of weakness, regardless of what that weakness is.

I consider myself to be an extremely independent person an am proud of the steps that I have taken (and bullets dodged) over the years to become the woman I am today. However, lately I have taken more notice of my internal desires to "be taken care of". What the hell does that even mean? I don't want a sugar daddy. Hell, I've never even dated anyone with money. Give me a poor guy with great eyes or a charming smile and I'm in! I am not interested in your pocket book, pal. I am also not a victim of any sorts. I don't need someone standing next to me saying, "poor baby" every time I have a tough day. Save all that jazz for the big moments, folks.

I want someone in my life who will take an absurd amount of photos with me because they know it makes me dance on the inside. I want someone who will have a Harry Potter marathon with me (yep, letting my geek flag fly...) and drink beer all day. I want someone that I can cook for and make shadow puppets with for no damn reason. I want someone to share a life with... To make tea for.

I wandered the halls of my hostel and bothered travelers from all over the world on our amazing rooftop to see what these independent vagabonds thought. To my surprise, most of them were dead on with what I had scribbled down as my thoughts on the matter: Everyone needs to be taken care of and to take care of others.

I crawled into bed that evening and watched an old favorite, "Breakfast At Tiffany's" and in a flash I saw the correlation between my ponderings and this silly, yet classic, movie. Holly Golightly, the main character played by Audrey Hepburn, is this wildly lovely and wonderfully lost girl who doesn't know she needs help until a man comes along and stands in front of her to look her in the eye instead of chasing her. Throughout the movie I noticed aspects of not just caring for each other, like when Holly buys Paul the ribbon for his typewriter, but taking care of each other. When she demands that he take her out and to "Promise me one thing: don't take me home until I'm drunk - very drunk indeed." he does just that. In essence, he is taking care of her by giving her what she needs at the time, not what he feels is best.

Why is it we try to impose our solutions and needs on others in times of difficulty? I have noticed over the years that those who surround me, especially former flames, just thrust their ways of handling difficulties and obstacles upon me. If they like to be left alone when struggling, they'd disappear into a puff of mystical smoke as soon as there was a road block in my path. Difficulty communicating? They shut down. Loss in the family? It's softball time, cry it out in the couch, darling.

I find it mind boggling that we as a human race find it so damn difficult to look the person we care about in the eyes and say, "What do you need?" and then figure out how to give it to them. Is that not what loving a person- regardless of the relationship- is about? Jesus, when I care about a person I want to bake them a cake for no reason, clean their house, and let them know they're loved; friend, lover, family, whatever. That's why Holly Golightly giving Paul the ribbon for his typewriter struck me: I may be a kindred soul with Holly Golightly.

Oh, hell. I don't want to be one of those girls staring with puppy dog eyes at an episode of Sex and the City muttering, "Oh my gosh, I am so totally Carrie..." yet I find myself seeing glimpses of these elements we share. I don't think I am quite as much of a mess as she is, but who am I to be judge and jury? I don't have an obsession with jewelry, I don't smoke like she does, and I definitely don't have a preoccupation with marrying some fat, rich bastard. In all, I believe that Holly just wants this sense of security and manifests that desire in monetary aspects, as opposed to matters of the heart. Why? Easy. The heart can be broken. Money doesn't have feelings. I push people off because when I want a hand from someone, they have their hands full. When I do get a hand, it often let's go halfway out of the well.

I began to ask myself, "Am I manifesting my desires for security outside of a desire for a relationship and all that it entails?" and, boy, did I sit and stare at the skyline of Quito waiting for an answer. Still waiting.... However, I think it is safe to say that I am avoiding the majority (if not all) of Holly's mistakes. I think my personal security endeavors are more closely tied with my resistance to commit to another human being. "If we keep it light, no one gets hurt."

Famous last words.

I'm by no means opposed to commitment, I just know so many who are, both conscious and subconscious, who are that I am hesitant to trust.

Upon my six month anniversary of living here in Quito, I went to a few of our favorite spots with a few friends and was drugged with some sort of GHB-ish substance. This was, unfortunately, not my first tango with this bastard of a drug, so when I woke up with my iPhone in a rain boot and my pants half-on and backwards, I knew what had gone down. My stress level was a tad bit higher that morning, and my moral had an inverse correlation, scraping the pavement as I walked out to my rooftop terrace for breakfast. A friend and fellow traveler offered me some blueberry herbal tea and my first inclination was to decline. What the hell? This nice guy just wants to make you a cup of tea, you ditz. Let him.

So, I lifted my head up off my folded arms on the wooden picnic bench and squinted at his smiling face and agreed to a cup of sweet comfort. Thank my lucky stars that I wasn't raped or robbed the night before, but I was still emotional, and the moment I relented and allowed this sweet, German-American to make a caring gesture towards me I felt it: the flood gates opened.

It felt so incredible to let someone take care of me. It seems trivial, but I am 100% used to taking care of myself. Family aside, every person that I had ever trusted to catch me when I fell had failed miserably. I don't want to be jaded or cynical, but I don't want to be foolish, either. Letting someone make me a cup of tea helped me realize that I am, indeed, inertly wanting someone to trust. I don't need a significant other to be whole, that was established ages ago, but I do want someone to bring me a cold Gatorade and rub my neck when I am hungover. I want someone to surprise and make laugh. It is the companionship and a teammate I want, but that's the hardest part: knowing when it's real. This cup of tea isn't me signing my life away; it's just a moment of allowing someone to showcase cariño. It isn't admitting I am weak or incapable of the same actions myself; it is a human connection.

So, if Holly feels the need to go through all the crazy motions of throwing a cat in the rain and trying to marry the future president of nowhere (seriously, if you haven't seen "Breakfast At Tiffany's" get your act together and Netflix it...) that is her prerogative. I'd much rather just throw this collection of ideas out in the universe and when I come across some hottie who loves to travel, hates liars, wants to be unstoppable partners in crime, and digs my freckles... We'll have a cold beer and see where it goes. Until then, I'm going to shed my Holly Golightly shadow, however minor the resemblances may be, and try and let someone make me a cup of tea once in a while and not throw the nameless cat in the rain.

xx.a

dynamics of goodbye

Goodbye.  It's not such an awful word... There are more appealing versions of it: farewell, ciao, so long, until we meet again...  I understand that the notion of goodbye is tough on some people, and for good reason, but I think that goodbye has become an egocentric notion that does not allow for the individual leaving to make the best of their situation.  I prefer to meet goodbyes with a positive mindset:  


May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand. -Irish Blessing


In other words, "Thanks for being a part of this chapter of my life".  Recent events have lead me to finally pursue my dream of teaching English abroad, and my friends and family are handling it... differently.  That is literally the only word that accurately describes the group and individual efforts of those that reside in my life.  Some of my nearest and dearest friends have rallied behind me in a united effort; offering to help with costs of certification, help me study, help teach me Spanish... You name it.  Some friends have retreated behind the front line in an effort to avoid being wounded in battle.  It wouldn't bother me so much if these individuals communicated with me, but I suppose that is asking too much.  


It is so difficult to walk away from people you love, and I would know, as I have done it more than anyone I know.  (In my defense, I wasn't running away from anything or anyone, it was all for higher education, career moves, etc.)  However, if approached from the right perspective and emotional base, it can also be a character-building experience.  Sometimes you have a choice in walking away, such as I do, and you just have to hope that those around you support you and send you off with love and well-wishes.  Sometimes, you are pinned to the wall and don't have an inch to breathe.  It is then that you hope your loved ones will rally, open their arms and hearts, and make the best of the situation in an effort to ease the pain and stress of your departure.  People who shut down, run away, or become a shadow of their former selves are often the ones that hurt the most: hurting themselves and hurting those leaving.  

Try to remember that leaving is the closing of one chapter, but it is also the beginning of a fresh and beautiful chapter for your loved one.  Be open minded, share your self, and hope for the best for everyone.  Some things have to fall apart for others to come together... That is the beautiful dichotomy of life.  You cannot fall in love with your soulmate if you are in a relationship with someone else


Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. -Dr. Seuss 


This blog was initially about my departure, but life has a funny way of mixing things up... 


To my second family:  You will always be blood.  You will always live in my heart.  You will always be Mamma K, Oh Daddy Pappa K, Tuta Taquito, Kiwi Wiggle Beans... Of course, KyKy, too.  Lucky's bark will almost be missed, but her spirit and beer drinking abilities will be.  You compose half my stories, millions of inside jokes, the best memories, and I am who I am because you were here.  I cannot thank you enough for everything you have ever done for me, nor all that you have given me.  You are the true definition of family.  Thank you for loving me.


To tequila out the eye.
To Ray Charles in log cabins.
To only if you'll take me.
To crash. 
To wedding dresses.
To nerd glasses. 
To writing on the family room floor. 
To Laguna Beach. 
To limo rides to Vegas.
To falling up escalators. 
To the Oh Daddy dance. 
To Mexico.
To pole dancing. 
To songs for everything. 
To pot smoking lesbian lovers.
To Coors Light. 
To drunken chair racing. 
To drunken cooler racing.
To guitars and Maaammmmmma Kriiisitiii.
To Kevin and Art are lovers.
To Paprika. 
To Sunday Funday. 
To Angels baseball in the garage.
To being a lady.
To cutting someone.  Twice. 
To buttery nipples. 
To SoCo... but don't tell.
To half pints.
To garage time.
To brown on top, red on the bottom.
To HGTV & DIY junkies.
To mimosas.
To potato/tomato/cake.
To soccer.
To bang the drum. 
To drunk dogs. 
To LYMI 
To I'd do it myself but I don't have thuuuumbs.
To build me up, buttercup.
To stfu.
To family.
To the people who changed my life for the better.  You are irreplaceable. 

xx.a