rain, rain, come when I say...

The rain is loved by some, hated by others. Either way you tend to lean it seems that there is no escaping that it refreshes and renews everything, washes clean the day to day madness and waste and allows a clearer view of the world upon ceasing.  It is considered, by some, to be a necessary evil- washing our cars, watering our lawns and gardens, cleaning our gutters- but in this world of instant gratification, society often wants what it wants, but when when they want it.  


We don't always want things when they are offered to us and can even be found proverbially stomping our feet when it is raining instead of the sun beating down on our skin.  Isn't this true of opportunities in our everyday life?  Perhaps the rain, so to speak, is offered to us to help us reset our points of view and our behavior.  Everyone needs a rest once in a while, to decline a social engagement and recharge their batteries, reconnecting with their loved ones at home, or even just yourself.  Why complain about the rain when you can take a deep breath and appreciate that maybe it is time to reconnect, recharge, or just put that to-do list in its place.  


The same can be said for a moment of weakness or sadness in life, even if unprovoked or elicited, just to allow yourself to settle and release anything negative from the week.  I don't think some people allow themselves the quite moments where the rain beats on the windows and there is silence.  Conversely, some people focus far too much on the torrential downpour they feel their life represents.  To those glass-half-empty people; knock it off. Life is tough, we all go through a tremendous amount of suffering, loss & tragedy in our lives.  Truth be told, some handle more than others, but that doesn't mean you can't appreciate the beautiful moments that bombard us daily!  Stop focusing on the negative, and find the silver lining. 

"Rain, rain, go away... Come again another day!" 


I think it beneficial to learn to appreciate the rain, for without it, we cannot appreciate the sun.  Just like we cannot appreciate those wonderful moments with our loved ones without time alone, and the reverse being just as true.  So when it rains, remember that it is feeding your gardens and lawns, which when it is sunny, you will play on and enjoy so much more, as they are green and healthy.  When your soul has a rainy day, remember that it is making you stronger and you are going to be twice as amazing the next day.  We should stop trying to control every aspect of our lives, allow some things to carry you to a new and wonderful place, then get back on your feet and forge an incredible path of your own.  


"Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky." -Rabindranath Tagore 


xx.a

realism v. romanticism

We as individuals are forced to define ourselves on a daily basis: age, race, gender, socioeconomic status, vocation, ethnicity, religion, creed, sexual preference, political party... The list goes on and on.  As I have mentioned before, I consider myself to be a dichotomous person, and am often frustrated when it comes to labeling myself to ease someones discomfort and uncertainty.  I have been posed many questions in my years wandering this planet, some have been the easiest to answer, some remain unanswerable based on an inability to fully shove my thought process and belief system into a box someone else made 100 years ago.  The one question that has often puzzled me, yet I refuse to give up on, is as follows: 


Are you a Romantic or a Realist? 


I pride myself on having spent many moons in the depths of both lands.  I once resided so deep in the forest of Realism that I begin to wonder if I have lost my mind, much like the movie 'Inception', and had become cynical and jaded.  I basked in the unadulterated glory of the sun of Romanticism that I feared burning my retinas and never seeing clearly again.  I am pleased to report that I believe I survived both exposures, in spite of their duration and adverse effects on the ol' ticker.  


I decided to delve into each respective philosophy and figure out what it is that is keeping me awake at night and answer these questions: 


1.  Are the presentations of Realism & Romanticism skewed, respectively, and does this affect our perception of the philosophies? 
2.  Are they mutually exclusive? Mutually beneficial? 
3.  Can I be both? 



ro·man·ti·cism

       [roh-man-tuh-siz-uhm]

         –noun

1. Characterized by a heightened interest in nature, emphasis on the individuals expression of emotion and imagination, departure from the attitudes and forms of classicism, and rebellion

against established social rules and conventions.

re·al·ism

       [ree-uh-liz-uhm]

          –noun

1. Interest in/concern for the actual or real, as distinguished from the abstract, speculative, etc.

2. The tendency to view or represent things as they really are.
3. The doctrine that universals have a real objective existence.
4. The doctrine that objects of sense perception have an existence independent of the act of perception.

Romanticism is often classified as "unreasonable, irrational, unrealistic, fantasy" etc. I chose the above definition, after a fair amount of searching, because it is the least threatening to the spirit of the movement.  This definition is complimentary, whereas others, such as, "Not based on fact; imaginary or fictitious" denotes a complete lack of credibility and leaves little magnetism [cue: irony]. I see little to nothing wrong with allowing the poetry of life to enhance each of our respective lifetimes here on the third rock from the sun.  


Realism, conversely, denotes a purely logical approach to life.  Who wouldn't be a realist?  It's silly to live in La La Land like a Romantic.  Terms like "Really are" and "Actual" insinuate indirectly that Romanticism is ridiculous and should be left on stage at high school graduation.  Grow up, Amie. You cannot possibly be a romantic.  You have years and years of education, have been in the work force for over a decade and have had enough heartbreak to carry you through two lifetimes! 


Oh, but then there is that little line about "existence independent of perception".  Shit.  That actually makes sense.  Is that where the beauty- raw as it may be- of Realism lies?  How very He's Just Not That Into You... "Stop superimposing your self-developed ideals and fantasies into reality... It is what it is."  Oh, bite me. Life is far too short to be an extremist and even shorter when you consider that not one person on this bloody planet- experts of all sorts included- knows what in the blazes they are doing.  We are all stumbling through this life, even those who know infinitely more than the rest, and all we can do is love and learn every single day. That being said, since we don't know exactly what reality is, nor are we experts in perception or presentation of self, we most likely are screwing something up.  Oh, that's reality. 


Enter: Romanticism.  Realism says, "He didn't call, he's not into you."  Romanticism says, "He got busy... he's nervous...he's waiting 6 days like 'Swingers'..." Often times individuals- especially women, by gender role- tend to bury their heads in the [romantic] sand in hopes that Realism won't wander by and smack them upside the head. A crutch is unnecessary, ladies and gentlemen, just take a deep breath and one step forward at a time. We need balance in our lives, that is undeniable.  What is often forgotten is that the balance is respective to each individual person.  Male and female gender roles may play a part in generalities, but over all I find that the soul needs to be fed what it needs to be fed.  My soul needs both. 


Therefore I have composed two short letters to each respective movement, in hopes that one day, if I am a really good girl, Santa Clause will bring me what I wish for. 

Dear Realism,

Please help me to not get my hopes up and expect too much from people; both as a societal whole and as individuals in our relationships.  Please remind me daily that I need to work hard, as no one is going to give me what I want or take care of me for the rest of my life.  Please help me to see shit coming that I might normally be to head-in-the-clouds to foresee & the calmness to navigate the situation rationally.  Oh, and a decent 401k. 

Regards,

Amie 

And now, it's counterpart: 

Dearest, Sweet Romanticism... 

Please help me to travel the world (without breaking the bank, of course) and complete my bucket list before I am too old to read it.  Please help me to keep my girly figure (while not obsessing over every meal, of course) and have as little physical change over the next 40 years as possible. Please let me live without regret (while learning from my mistakes, of course) and keep all of my friends (while making new ones, of course) close and loved.  Most importantly, please help me to find someone to fall deeply in love with someone who I can be myself with (who has the same goals/core beliefs, of course) to share my life with. Please let them be kind, caring, considerate, trustworthy, honest, loving, compassionate, generous, hopeful, smart and driven (but modest, of course).  Please let that person appreciate me, life & all the blessings around them (without being too soft, of course). Please let every day be an adventure, let each night be a celebration of sorts and let each beautiful moment be appreciated.  

All my love and gratitude, 

Amie Ann 

Satire aside, I don't see anything wrong with allowing the soul to reside in both categories.  We all go through stages in our lives and shouldn't we allow ourselves to adjust our personal philosophies as we adjust our diets, musical tastes and views on the world?  Call me a "Romantic Realist", if you must, but I have come to the official decision that I am both.  I am a Realist in that I know that Murphy's Law is a very real thing, that relationships take equal effort on both parts & that I can no longer eat a cheeseburger and not work out.  I am a Romantic in that if I put enough good energy out there that I might actually catch a break, that I will find someone to be weird with for the rest of my life & that I will still eat a cheeseburger, but skipping the escalator in favor of the stairs will make a difference.  I feel like I have found my balance (or as close as I can come to it at this point in my life) with the star crossed lovers... Yes, Realism can exist without the immediate effects of Romanticism, and vice versa, however would anyone really want them to?  They need not be mutually exclusive, though.  I am sure, dear reader, that you are thinking to yourself, "Shit, I forgot my coffee on the counter!" But after that you are assuring yourself, "This is the Romantic in Amie, believing Romanticism & Realism can co-exist in someone peacefully".  Sorry to disappoint, but even the Realist in me knows that if you focus on the strengths of each entity, you can become a stronger, better and more passionate version of yourself!  Figure out which version of yourself- the Romantic or the Realist- is better with each respective situation (relationships, work, adventure, etc.) and let them take the reigns. Of course, it never hurts to let the other do a little backseat driving.... 

I hope for the best, but prepare for the worst... I vow to myself to make the best of everything.

"Realism...has no more to do with reality than anything else."  -Hob Broun

"There are only two ways to live your life: as though nothing is a miracle, or as though everything is a miracle."  -Albert Einstein

xx.a

Chella me.

Year of the Yes.  All my sister had to do was take one solid look in my eyes and say, "Coachella?" and I was weak in the knees.  Yes.  Tickets were put on layaway and life once again became the adventure it was meant to be.  Where would we stay?  Which bands to see? So many options... Yet, with a cool head and an excited heart, I sign up not knowing any of the answers. The dichotomy in me rages like the ocean- planner against adventurer- yet the believer in me knows both will be satisfied when the sun rises that glorious day in mid-April. 

Newsflash: Everything is sold out.  Festival tickets, car camping, tent camping, dignity... So, we improvise. Car camping costs $75 online but these soulless scalpers are selling them for $600! Yuppie scum probably won't even be attending, just jacking the prices up in an effort to make a quick $500 and go buy a lap dance and snort cocaine off a hooker's ass. Hopefully they catch pink eye and their car gets towed.  

Isn't the spirit of the festival (and any festival, for that matter) enjoyment of life, music, art, self-expression, people and experience?  Isn't the whole damn point to escape Capital America, fall in love with yourself, all the while forgetting who you are, and have your life forever changed by complete strangers? 

This will be my first year attending the world-famous Coachella Festival, and I am going to experience the immense amount of love and respect for all the aforementioned items that take center-stage (if you will pardon the pun).  I am going to broaden my social horizons, find new musical expressions to take me to another place of understanding, and to find new ways to express myself.  I am going to party with my favorite people and bond on a new level.  I am going  to appreciate what God has created and see it all painted around me.  I am going to be grateful. I am going to share.  I am going to learn. 

In 78 long days- which I will live hard and fill with greatness- I will be standing next to 4 of the most incredible individuals I have ever been blessed enough to know- Lindsey, Chris, Danielle & Ian- and with these people, who share my heart, I will meet 51,000 incredible souls and forever be changed for the better. I cannot wait to dance til I'm sore, sing til I'm mute, love til it's sunrise, feel everything, regret nothing, see through new eyes, hear through new ears, break everything to rebuild stronger and just LIVE. I am a fortunate girl, I am a happy girl, and I couldn't have a heart more full than this. 

To all you scalpers, haters, negative people and people who can't be happy for others- I pity you.  Join us in our happiness and learn to love and live again.  You are missing life, and life is missing you. 

Cheers. xx.a

inspiration drawn

So far, my "Year of the Yes" has been quite successful.  I find myself keeping accountability with my inner child, which is a surprise to me because I thought that, without a doubt, I'd have to be pushed a bit after the holidays.  My inner determination is impressing me, and I find that I am drawing inspiration from the most unexpected places, as well as some old favorites.

I was throwing around some of the things I have been focusing on- YOTY, inspiration, goals, resolutions, plans- and started laughing out loud at how simple it all had really become.  For the first time in a long time, I'm on the same page with myself! As oddly amusing as that statement is, it speaks volumes as to where my life was a year ago.  Learning to listen to yourself, and glance in the mirror once in a while, will keep you in check more than I'd like to have admitted. along the way, but gladly admit and promote in this brisk month of January. 

Where should I look for inspiration?  Should I even go looking for it?  Let's be honest, when we look for something, it tends to hide from us.  It is always when we are focused on something completely separate that we are presented a random addition to our lives.  Looking for love? Get a hobby, because the more you head out to online dating and bars, the less likely you are to find your soulmate.  Or at least that is how life has lead us to believe things work.  Often times I sit down with my paints in hand and stare at that canvas... and wait. Even when I do finally put that sweet, saturated acrylic on the stretched canvas, I am more than likely not thrilled with the result.  Conversely, when inspiration strikes me at will, I find the results are ten-fold what I could have hoped for and I feel as though I truly gave birth to a tangible emotion.  I willingly admit that you cannot rest on your laurels awaiting inspiration for too long, as life will surely pass you by.  I figure the best balance of inspiration is a mixture of natural and self-obtained: allow inspiration to come naturally, and when feeling a drought, change things up and find something new to be inspired by. 

I've discovered knowing what works in your life and what doesn't can be inspiration enough.  Whether it is a job, a relationship, an area of study, or even just the way you are leading your own life: If it isn't working, it isn't working.  We try to force things, as a society and as individuals, to work because we've been taught to "stick it out".  Unhappiness is derived from this very mentality, though I think it is equally drawn from being unhappy with oneself, but that's another entry. However, I must make the argument (I love arguing with myself) that frivolity with your career, relationships and the like is as dangerous (if not more so) than remaining locked into unhappiness.  We should not take for granted the beautiful things in life that aren't easy, free and perfect.  Without the rain and bite in Winter, we would not appreciate the feeling of the sun bathing us in the Spring. The same is true in every aspect of life:

sobriety & intoxication
love & fighting
single & involved
productivity & relaxation
newness & comfort
change & stability
adulthood & young at heart

I enjoy all of these things in their own right, just as I do my own dichotomy. From this comfort and loving who I am, I can say that my inspiration is solid right now.  I'm inspired to better myself, to help others where I can, to create, to love, to take chances, and to bring inspiration to others if I am able.  I thank everyone in my life who is bringing inspiration to my doorstep on a daily basis... Those who are making "Year of the Yes" a reality, you also have my appreciation.  There are many, many big things coming up and you will have been a generous part of making this life of mine something to be reckoned with.

Cheers.
xx.a

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." -Abraham Lincoln 

"Man is the artificer of his own happiness." -Henry David Thoreau

 

end of an era

2010, you're a bitch. You broke my heart, took all my money and the emotional equivalent of taking my brand new beer and the last bite of my hamburger (you know, the center bite with a little bit of everything in it?)... But you also gave me a new perspective, reminded me that things can always be worse, and provided me a fresh start to design- or redesign- my own life.


At the end of every year we tend to take a look back, short sighted, at the twelve months that we think made up a chapter in our lives.  In a sense, they did, however those twelve months were  very much a fraction of a larger chapter in our lives.  We, as a society, often forget to look at the larger chapter until there is a '9' at the end of the year with which we date our checks (who uses checks anymore?).  This year is a very special year for me in closing.  I find myself truly signing escrow papers on massive parts of my life, and with a full heart, keeping the pen I signed them with as souvenir. I've been back and forth across this country, only once for myself, and yet I feel I haven't moved forward in quite some time.  I was once a progressive human being, surpassing expectations and rocking other people's worlds with the bat of an eyelash.  This was a time when I loved myself, which enabled me to love others even more.  This new place that I have been residing in I did not love myself like I used to; not because I wasn't a good person or because I was an unhappy person- but because I wasn't myself.  This ends immediately.


I inherited my compassion from my mother- and for that I thank her- as I feel better in my core when I can bring warmth to another's soul.  I got my passion for life from my father- and for that I thank him- as I find joy in the simplest of things: surprises, sunsets, good beer, laughter, music, inside jokes and so much more.  From each person in my life- family and friends- I have gained something from.  It would take me pages to go through everyone, but rest assured I am thankful and you will get a big hug and kiss from me in the very near future.


I have returned back to this person I used to be in the last few months, but a better version of myself.  I love harder, forgive quicker, take no prisoners, take no bullshit, hope for the best, prepare for the worst, stopped punishing myself, hug longer, and have realized the value of myself.  I have always put others first and it has gotten me nowhere in said relationships.  Perhaps finding this balance will put me exactly where I need to be.  If not, then it's another adventure of self-discovery and stories to tell in a rocking chair on a front porch, one day.


That being said, 2011 is "The Year of the Yes" where I will be saying "yes" to just about everything physically and financially possible.  As mentioned in one of my previous posts, I feel as though saying "yes" lead me to exactly where I needed to be and who I needed to connect with.  Seeing as my priorities and goals have almost all shifted- be it bigger, better, simpler, sweeter or crazier- I might as well follow opportunities and get back on whatever track it is I am supposed to be on.  It's time for me to rock some worlds again, and I could not be more excited and ready.  Watch out, 2011, I am making this the "Year of the Win" as well! 


Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah & Happy New Year to everyone, you are all loved and missed greatly. Make this your year...

xx.a

"Dignity consists not in possessing honors, but in the consciousness that we deserve them."

-Aristotle  

Manifested People?

Whether or not you recognize it, you are faced daily with decisions that alter the rest of your life.  Sometimes these are major decisions; such as moving to another hemisphere or switching careers.  Sometimes they are smaller decisions; like taking a walk instead of watching television or going with a friend to one bar instead of another.  Sometimes, when the fates are smiling, these less obvious decisions turn out to be one of the greatest things to ever happen to you.

The challenge in life is to see beyond what these decisions result in and to see the beautiful additions they present to your life.  I have recently had a lot of blessings appear in my life out of a proverbial nowhere.  I use, "proverbial" because I know it was manifested somehow... My mind and heart became more open to whatever it was I subconsciously wanting in my life.  Some extraordinary people have recently entered into my life, and for that I am forever thankful.  I never would have found these connections without a simple decision to leave one place and head to another; a whim, if you will.  Spontaneity changed my life, even if only slightly, but it's enough to stick with me and warm my heart on the rainy days. 


Is it possible that I manifested people to come into my life by appreciating my 'sponsoring thoughts' without me even knowing it?  Did I switch from fear... to love? (See the book, Conversations with God for further understanding.)  Somehow, I must have opened up a hidden door and allowed myself to be magnificent again, as the people entering my life mirror just that: magnificence.


Either way, it is a wonderful reminder, when fantastic people enter your life, to continue to thrive and live hard and purposefully. These people re-open your eyes and reinvigorate that which is sleeping inside you, and it's fantastic.  I have always felt myself fortunate in life, having the chance to travel, gain a greater education and meet some of the most incredible people on the planet.  I love when life looks at me and says, "You ain't seen nothing yet..." 


So as I wander these paths, I know the hearts of those I have connected with are with me, as I am with them.


"The purpose of life, after all, is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experiences." - Eleanor Roosevelt


xx.a

dis.con.nect.ed.

Lately, I have been feeling disconnected to so many things in my life.  Mind you, I wasn't able to put my finger on said disconnection, but I was definitely feeling the tug of the unknown.  

So I was sitting in the Beverly Center allowing traffic to die down before my trek home and these two average looking gentlemen sat a table away from me.  As I devoured my Kung Pow Chicken, I overheard them start to pray.  They thanks God for their food and asked that it nourish their bodies as their relationships with God nourished their souls.  Bam.  In my face. 

When did I stop thanking God for something as vital as food?  I talk to him every day, asking for guidance and help to do the right thing when the time calls for a decision, even appreciating the sunsets that I sometimes have the pleasure of seeing on my ridiculous drive home.  For some reason, when I stopped thanking him for food (it seemed at the time) I lost the connection.  No, I don't think that saying a blessing before eating was my divine connection, but the forethought is definitely something to be considered.

So then I started considering why I have been feeling like I have been floating around.  My job used to be the dull ache in my spine, but I am really loving my new job and all the people I work with.  So now what is it?  I'm not unhappy... I'm disconnected.  I have been moving back and forth so much in the last few years that I haven't been able to maintain but a few good friendships.  When I went through my "Mr. Big Break-Up", where were my Charlotte, Samantha & Miranda?  No one kidnapped me and took me to Mexico, but can I really feel hurt by that? I had a place to stay for a short while while I got on my feet and remembered how to breathe, but I stumbled on my own through the dark until sunrise.  Haven't I been a Charlotte when needed? 

Moving also affected my connection to wherever I lived.  Moving every year for the last 6 has definitely left its mark on me and mine.  I cannot call any given city home.  Corona, Culver City, Los Angeles, Irving, Mansfield, Arlington, Dallas, Ft. Worth, Grand Prairie... My car is the closest thing to home right now... I need to pick a place and settle for a while. 

Settle.  I love to travel, but you can do that from anywhere.  It's time to start thinking about family.  But what about [insert forty things here]? It will all work out the way it's supposed to... Right? If this job stays as fantastic as it is now, I will find a place to settle down here for a few years.  If not, then the adventure begins again.  More lottery tickets, so to speak.  Settle doesn't imply agreeing to live with something that isn't fantastic, but to give something the proper time to grow and blossom and experience it's majesty. 

Family.  I cannot start trying to have a family until things are a little more stable in certain areas.  No one is ever financially prepared for a child, but my situation doesn't allow too much time for that to be a major issue.  Anyone ever seen 'Idiocracy'? 

Now to reconnect.  Perhaps my increased level of happiness due to my career being back on track and working a job I love will add to all other aspects of my life.  I don't want my happiness to revolve around that little line turning blue.

For those who don't know, in June I was diagnosed with Endometriosis.  It was also discovered that I was born without my right ovary.  This expedites both my rate of losing all my eggs (menopause) and my risks of having internal damage from the Endometriosis.  My incredible doctor (whom I miss dearly here in LA) gave me a few years to have kids naturally, if at all.  In the mean time, with no known cures or treatments outside of surgery or hormone shots, this was a major blow to my maternal side and another challenge obviously God thinks I can handle.  Thanks for the vote of confidence...  

So now the adventure begins.  The point of this blog.  To figure out what and how I am going to do.

I'm prepared to be unprepared.  I am prepared for those to happen completely out of sequence.  I am prepared for God's plan... 

Wish me luck. 
xx.a