I want to be contagious.

Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.   -Angela Monet


The written word is one of the most beautiful forms of expression on this sweet planet, yet I cannot help but feel as though they just cannot fully convey the emotions I feel.  They say a picture is worth a thousand words... This is true, but sometimes even a photograph cannot fully express what is living in my heart.  (That is saying a lot, coming from a photo-obsessed blogger!)  


Strangely enough, I have discovered that, at least for me, it was more difficult to express joy in my writings, paintings, and music than sorrow.  I am naturally a happy person, so this baffled me upon my revelation.  Why would this effort be more difficult if it is natural?  So I pondered my findings over a cup of fresh coffee and a bowl of watermelon cubes while enjoying the early morning breeze through the backdoor screen.  I strive daily to express the joy that I have found in my life- especially over the last year- both as a form of gratitude to the universe, as well as to lead by example.  The negativity in the daily life of people I am surrounded by astounds me.  Quit your bitching, count your blessings, say thank you, and start appreciating your life, people!  It's easier to express discontent or pain because those emotions are stronger when you allow them in.  Since I have parted ways with my old self and the negativity associated with her, I find that the happiness and excitement that is now a constant light in my chest is dominating my creativity.  


Every man dies- Not every man lives.  -William Ross Wallace 


That being said (thanks for riding out my ramblings today) I have to remind myself not to get frustrated when my paintings turn out differently than imagined or when I cannot find the words I need to connect an intangible emotion to a cognitive understanding.  


I paint to create something beautiful I can pour emotion into. 
I write to express ideals and ask questions.
I photograph to capture things that move me.
I sing to open the doors to my soul.
I play guitar to find balance.
I learn languages to connect to other worlds. 
I teach to help mold the minds of a new generation.
I adventure to feed my soul & connect to the universe.  


All these things are beautiful in their own respective ways, and I am so fortunate to have the ability and drive to create in these fields and feel a sense of accomplishment and be filled up with peace and happiness.  My newest adventure is moving abroad to teach English.  This venture combines so many of my loves: travel, teaching, adventure... Plus I will be able to write, paint, photograph, and perform wherever this life takes me.  


There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. -Albert Einstein 


Making someone laugh brings me more inner happiness than I could ever even begin to explain... That is a miracle to me.  I could list two hundred other miracles I am thankful for, but there are two I am focusing on in my life right now: 

1. Every single person I interact with.

2. My new adventure.

Applications are out, kids.  There is no turning back now, not that I would if I could!  I have applied to some amazing countries... Argentina, Brazil, Ecuador, Costa Rica, and Thailand.  This is the first thing I have ever done in my entire life that is for me.  The level of support from the people in my life is outstanding, and I am forever grateful.  I will have to devote an entire blog post to just thanking you crazy people for putting up with me!  I hope that this massive, life-altering step I am taking inspires you all to live your dream, or even start a new one.  I want to be contagious.  I want you all to catch this incredible passion for life and rise with the tides!  I began this post with stating that sometimes my media cannot truly express the light inside of me... I just want you all to feel it for yourselves.  I hope that you can find something in one of our interactions- even if only for a moment- that moves you.  That is the greatest joy and greatest gift I could ever ask for.  


Find some inspiration in something.  Anything.  Start getting out there and making magic happen... Find that inexpressible inner light & inner joy.  Then do your damnedest to express, to share, to inspire, & to give back the positivity into this crazy-amazing universe of ours.  


xx.a

dynamics of goodbye

Goodbye.  It's not such an awful word... There are more appealing versions of it: farewell, ciao, so long, until we meet again...  I understand that the notion of goodbye is tough on some people, and for good reason, but I think that goodbye has become an egocentric notion that does not allow for the individual leaving to make the best of their situation.  I prefer to meet goodbyes with a positive mindset:  


May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand. -Irish Blessing


In other words, "Thanks for being a part of this chapter of my life".  Recent events have lead me to finally pursue my dream of teaching English abroad, and my friends and family are handling it... differently.  That is literally the only word that accurately describes the group and individual efforts of those that reside in my life.  Some of my nearest and dearest friends have rallied behind me in a united effort; offering to help with costs of certification, help me study, help teach me Spanish... You name it.  Some friends have retreated behind the front line in an effort to avoid being wounded in battle.  It wouldn't bother me so much if these individuals communicated with me, but I suppose that is asking too much.  


It is so difficult to walk away from people you love, and I would know, as I have done it more than anyone I know.  (In my defense, I wasn't running away from anything or anyone, it was all for higher education, career moves, etc.)  However, if approached from the right perspective and emotional base, it can also be a character-building experience.  Sometimes you have a choice in walking away, such as I do, and you just have to hope that those around you support you and send you off with love and well-wishes.  Sometimes, you are pinned to the wall and don't have an inch to breathe.  It is then that you hope your loved ones will rally, open their arms and hearts, and make the best of the situation in an effort to ease the pain and stress of your departure.  People who shut down, run away, or become a shadow of their former selves are often the ones that hurt the most: hurting themselves and hurting those leaving.  

Try to remember that leaving is the closing of one chapter, but it is also the beginning of a fresh and beautiful chapter for your loved one.  Be open minded, share your self, and hope for the best for everyone.  Some things have to fall apart for others to come together... That is the beautiful dichotomy of life.  You cannot fall in love with your soulmate if you are in a relationship with someone else


Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. -Dr. Seuss 


This blog was initially about my departure, but life has a funny way of mixing things up... 


To my second family:  You will always be blood.  You will always live in my heart.  You will always be Mamma K, Oh Daddy Pappa K, Tuta Taquito, Kiwi Wiggle Beans... Of course, KyKy, too.  Lucky's bark will almost be missed, but her spirit and beer drinking abilities will be.  You compose half my stories, millions of inside jokes, the best memories, and I am who I am because you were here.  I cannot thank you enough for everything you have ever done for me, nor all that you have given me.  You are the true definition of family.  Thank you for loving me.


To tequila out the eye.
To Ray Charles in log cabins.
To only if you'll take me.
To crash. 
To wedding dresses.
To nerd glasses. 
To writing on the family room floor. 
To Laguna Beach. 
To limo rides to Vegas.
To falling up escalators. 
To the Oh Daddy dance. 
To Mexico.
To pole dancing. 
To songs for everything. 
To pot smoking lesbian lovers.
To Coors Light. 
To drunken chair racing. 
To drunken cooler racing.
To guitars and Maaammmmmma Kriiisitiii.
To Kevin and Art are lovers.
To Paprika. 
To Sunday Funday. 
To Angels baseball in the garage.
To being a lady.
To cutting someone.  Twice. 
To buttery nipples. 
To SoCo... but don't tell.
To half pints.
To garage time.
To brown on top, red on the bottom.
To HGTV & DIY junkies.
To mimosas.
To potato/tomato/cake.
To soccer.
To bang the drum. 
To drunk dogs. 
To LYMI 
To I'd do it myself but I don't have thuuuumbs.
To build me up, buttercup.
To stfu.
To family.
To the people who changed my life for the better.  You are irreplaceable. 

xx.a

there is beauty in the breakdown

This is for HNM... 


Forgiveness is one of a handful of subjects that I love discussing, but will not discuss with most of my friends and family.  For those readers who know me, I love to talk at length about life, philosophy, and all things worldly; however I feel as though most people do not have a firm grasp on what forgiveness actually is, therefore negating the need for discussion. 


Holding a grudge against someone- regardless of the severity of the trespass- is allowing them to live in your heart and mind rent-free.  I worked so very hard to learn how to actually forgive and release that demon for that very reason: You have to earn a place in my heart.  I'm slow to trust but I'm quick to love, I push too hard and I give too much... Sugarland lyrics may be strange to quote in a blog, but I have the keyboard, suckers. 


The key to forgiving is letting go.  Let go of what happened... it happened.  It cannot be changed, we do not have time travel yet, and stressing over it will only cause hair loss, ulcers, & bags under your eyes.  Let yourself feel the feelings that are evoked due to this trespass, there is nothing wrong with feeling hurt, betrayed, saddened, or otherwise.  When I was reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love I was shocked to find almost my entire struggle (sans divorce) blatantly forced into stark black and white and slapped in the face with it.  This woman who is dealing with her divorce and has traveled halfway around the world, she is speaking to a new friend and confidant about her emotional struggle regarding her ex-husband.  She wrote: 

"I love him.  I miss him."

"So love him. So miss him. When you miss him, send him some light and some love. 

Then drop it."

The same goes for forgiveness... Feel that hurt.  Own it.  Do not feel guilt about harnessing these emotions, as guilt will only serve as a road block on your journey.  Once you have felt these feelings, truly allowing it to sink in, watch it dissipate as it ceases to be a burning focus.  Learn to not think about by taking charge of your mind and energy.  Stop talking about it, stop replaying it in your head, and stop focusing on the negative.  When it pops into your head, do a little dance and think of something fantastic you are looking forward to, or even something super amazing and positive that that same person did for you or with you.  Then drop it.  Moving on is always the hardest part, but you have to be an active participant in your own growth, it doesn't just happen.  Time does not heal all wounds, some must be tended to. 


The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.  -Thomas Szasz


Forgetting is completely different than forgiving.  We must learn from our mistakes, we must build on our experiences, and we must begin to know ourselves.  Other people's karma is based on their actions, yours is based on your reaction to that.  Vengeance is futile, people.  God & this sweet, sweet Universe will balance everything out.  Yeah, it blows when someone stabs you in the back, but use it to build a stronger defense and a smarter offense.  Use those tools you gain when you are on the floor being kicked to build a bridge and get over it.  You're wasting your time allowing something someone else did destroy you and your numbered days. 


Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were. -Cherie Carter-Scott


Forgiving yourself is a tad trickier.  I struggle with this daily.  The bright side of that statement is that because I am struggling with it, I am dealing with it.  I have made my fair share of mistakes, I know this... But are they really mistakes?  Or are they steps I didn't intend on taking that lead me to this wonderful place where I am happier than ever?  I, for one, choose the latter.  Everything happens for a reason, they say, and I sleep better at night not worrying about the things I cannot change.  I choose to focus my energy and efforts on what I can affect: the present and the future.  Let yourself breakdown, feel and live, and then heal stronger than ever.  Forgiveness is in the letting go... So take a deep breath, speak your mind, feel your heart... and let go. There is beauty in the breakdown.  xx.a