Forgiveness is one of a handful of subjects that I love discussing, but will not discuss with most of my friends and family. For those readers who know me, I love to talk at length about life, philosophy, and all things worldly; however I feel as though most people do not have a firm grasp on what forgiveness actually is, therefore negating the need for discussion.
Holding a grudge against someone- regardless of the severity of the trespass- is allowing them to live in your heart and mind rent-free. I worked so very hard to learn how to actually forgive and release that demon for that very reason: You have to earn a place in my heart. I'm slow to trust but I'm quick to love, I push too hard and I give too much... Sugarland lyrics may be strange to quote in a blog, but I have the keyboard, suckers.
The key to forgiving is letting go. Let go of what happened... it happened. It cannot be changed, we do not have time travel yet, and stressing over it will only cause hair loss, ulcers, & bags under your eyes. Let yourself feel the feelings that are evoked due to this trespass, there is nothing wrong with feeling hurt, betrayed, saddened, or otherwise. When I was reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love I was shocked to find almost my entire struggle (sans divorce) blatantly forced into stark black and white and slapped in the face with it. This woman who is dealing with her divorce and has traveled halfway around the world, she is speaking to a new friend and confidant about her emotional struggle regarding her ex-husband. She wrote:
"I love him. I miss him."
"So love him. So miss him. When you miss him, send him some light and some love.
Then drop it."
The same goes for forgiveness... Feel that hurt. Own it. Do not feel guilt about harnessing these emotions, as guilt will only serve as a road block on your journey. Once you have felt these feelings, truly allowing it to sink in, watch it dissipate as it ceases to be a burning focus. Learn to not think about by taking charge of your mind and energy. Stop talking about it, stop replaying it in your head, and stop focusing on the negative. When it pops into your head, do a little dance and think of something fantastic you are looking forward to, or even something super amazing and positive that that same person did for you or with you. Then drop it. Moving on is always the hardest part, but you have to be an active participant in your own growth, it doesn't just happen. Time does not heal all wounds, some must be tended to.
The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget. -Thomas Szasz
Forgetting is completely different than forgiving. We must learn from our mistakes, we must build on our experiences, and we must begin to know ourselves. Other people's karma is based on their actions, yours is based on your reaction to that. Vengeance is futile, people. God & this sweet, sweet Universe will balance everything out. Yeah, it blows when someone stabs you in the back, but use it to build a stronger defense and a smarter offense. Use those tools you gain when you are on the floor being kicked to build a bridge and get over it. You're wasting your time allowing something someone else did destroy you and your numbered days.
Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were. -Cherie Carter-Scott
Forgiving yourself is a tad trickier. I struggle with this daily. The bright side of that statement is that because I am struggling with it, I am dealing with it. I have made my fair share of mistakes, I know this... But are they really mistakes? Or are they steps I didn't intend on taking that lead me to this wonderful place where I am happier than ever? I, for one, choose the latter. Everything happens for a reason, they say, and I sleep better at night not worrying about the things I cannot change. I choose to focus my energy and efforts on what I can affect: the present and the future. Let yourself breakdown, feel and live, and then heal stronger than ever. Forgiveness is in the letting go... So take a deep breath, speak your mind, feel your heart... and let go. There is beauty in the breakdown. xx.a
Learning to embrace your emotions, feel them, own them, and then let go and forgive is a huge part of personal growth. Glad to hear that you've reached that stage of maturity and understand this often difficult lesson :)
ReplyDeleteYou never cease to amaze me with your words ... thank you for the dedication :) and I would never trade you for a Mercedes either ;)
ReplyDeleteSound advice. I might even try it myself.
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