dynamics of goodbye

Goodbye.  It's not such an awful word... There are more appealing versions of it: farewell, ciao, so long, until we meet again...  I understand that the notion of goodbye is tough on some people, and for good reason, but I think that goodbye has become an egocentric notion that does not allow for the individual leaving to make the best of their situation.  I prefer to meet goodbyes with a positive mindset:  


May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand. -Irish Blessing


In other words, "Thanks for being a part of this chapter of my life".  Recent events have lead me to finally pursue my dream of teaching English abroad, and my friends and family are handling it... differently.  That is literally the only word that accurately describes the group and individual efforts of those that reside in my life.  Some of my nearest and dearest friends have rallied behind me in a united effort; offering to help with costs of certification, help me study, help teach me Spanish... You name it.  Some friends have retreated behind the front line in an effort to avoid being wounded in battle.  It wouldn't bother me so much if these individuals communicated with me, but I suppose that is asking too much.  


It is so difficult to walk away from people you love, and I would know, as I have done it more than anyone I know.  (In my defense, I wasn't running away from anything or anyone, it was all for higher education, career moves, etc.)  However, if approached from the right perspective and emotional base, it can also be a character-building experience.  Sometimes you have a choice in walking away, such as I do, and you just have to hope that those around you support you and send you off with love and well-wishes.  Sometimes, you are pinned to the wall and don't have an inch to breathe.  It is then that you hope your loved ones will rally, open their arms and hearts, and make the best of the situation in an effort to ease the pain and stress of your departure.  People who shut down, run away, or become a shadow of their former selves are often the ones that hurt the most: hurting themselves and hurting those leaving.  

Try to remember that leaving is the closing of one chapter, but it is also the beginning of a fresh and beautiful chapter for your loved one.  Be open minded, share your self, and hope for the best for everyone.  Some things have to fall apart for others to come together... That is the beautiful dichotomy of life.  You cannot fall in love with your soulmate if you are in a relationship with someone else


Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. -Dr. Seuss 


This blog was initially about my departure, but life has a funny way of mixing things up... 


To my second family:  You will always be blood.  You will always live in my heart.  You will always be Mamma K, Oh Daddy Pappa K, Tuta Taquito, Kiwi Wiggle Beans... Of course, KyKy, too.  Lucky's bark will almost be missed, but her spirit and beer drinking abilities will be.  You compose half my stories, millions of inside jokes, the best memories, and I am who I am because you were here.  I cannot thank you enough for everything you have ever done for me, nor all that you have given me.  You are the true definition of family.  Thank you for loving me.


To tequila out the eye.
To Ray Charles in log cabins.
To only if you'll take me.
To crash. 
To wedding dresses.
To nerd glasses. 
To writing on the family room floor. 
To Laguna Beach. 
To limo rides to Vegas.
To falling up escalators. 
To the Oh Daddy dance. 
To Mexico.
To pole dancing. 
To songs for everything. 
To pot smoking lesbian lovers.
To Coors Light. 
To drunken chair racing. 
To drunken cooler racing.
To guitars and Maaammmmmma Kriiisitiii.
To Kevin and Art are lovers.
To Paprika. 
To Sunday Funday. 
To Angels baseball in the garage.
To being a lady.
To cutting someone.  Twice. 
To buttery nipples. 
To SoCo... but don't tell.
To half pints.
To garage time.
To brown on top, red on the bottom.
To HGTV & DIY junkies.
To mimosas.
To potato/tomato/cake.
To soccer.
To bang the drum. 
To drunk dogs. 
To LYMI 
To I'd do it myself but I don't have thuuuumbs.
To build me up, buttercup.
To stfu.
To family.
To the people who changed my life for the better.  You are irreplaceable. 

xx.a

there is beauty in the breakdown

This is for HNM... 


Forgiveness is one of a handful of subjects that I love discussing, but will not discuss with most of my friends and family.  For those readers who know me, I love to talk at length about life, philosophy, and all things worldly; however I feel as though most people do not have a firm grasp on what forgiveness actually is, therefore negating the need for discussion. 


Holding a grudge against someone- regardless of the severity of the trespass- is allowing them to live in your heart and mind rent-free.  I worked so very hard to learn how to actually forgive and release that demon for that very reason: You have to earn a place in my heart.  I'm slow to trust but I'm quick to love, I push too hard and I give too much... Sugarland lyrics may be strange to quote in a blog, but I have the keyboard, suckers. 


The key to forgiving is letting go.  Let go of what happened... it happened.  It cannot be changed, we do not have time travel yet, and stressing over it will only cause hair loss, ulcers, & bags under your eyes.  Let yourself feel the feelings that are evoked due to this trespass, there is nothing wrong with feeling hurt, betrayed, saddened, or otherwise.  When I was reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love I was shocked to find almost my entire struggle (sans divorce) blatantly forced into stark black and white and slapped in the face with it.  This woman who is dealing with her divorce and has traveled halfway around the world, she is speaking to a new friend and confidant about her emotional struggle regarding her ex-husband.  She wrote: 

"I love him.  I miss him."

"So love him. So miss him. When you miss him, send him some light and some love. 

Then drop it."

The same goes for forgiveness... Feel that hurt.  Own it.  Do not feel guilt about harnessing these emotions, as guilt will only serve as a road block on your journey.  Once you have felt these feelings, truly allowing it to sink in, watch it dissipate as it ceases to be a burning focus.  Learn to not think about by taking charge of your mind and energy.  Stop talking about it, stop replaying it in your head, and stop focusing on the negative.  When it pops into your head, do a little dance and think of something fantastic you are looking forward to, or even something super amazing and positive that that same person did for you or with you.  Then drop it.  Moving on is always the hardest part, but you have to be an active participant in your own growth, it doesn't just happen.  Time does not heal all wounds, some must be tended to. 


The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.  -Thomas Szasz


Forgetting is completely different than forgiving.  We must learn from our mistakes, we must build on our experiences, and we must begin to know ourselves.  Other people's karma is based on their actions, yours is based on your reaction to that.  Vengeance is futile, people.  God & this sweet, sweet Universe will balance everything out.  Yeah, it blows when someone stabs you in the back, but use it to build a stronger defense and a smarter offense.  Use those tools you gain when you are on the floor being kicked to build a bridge and get over it.  You're wasting your time allowing something someone else did destroy you and your numbered days. 


Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were. -Cherie Carter-Scott


Forgiving yourself is a tad trickier.  I struggle with this daily.  The bright side of that statement is that because I am struggling with it, I am dealing with it.  I have made my fair share of mistakes, I know this... But are they really mistakes?  Or are they steps I didn't intend on taking that lead me to this wonderful place where I am happier than ever?  I, for one, choose the latter.  Everything happens for a reason, they say, and I sleep better at night not worrying about the things I cannot change.  I choose to focus my energy and efforts on what I can affect: the present and the future.  Let yourself breakdown, feel and live, and then heal stronger than ever.  Forgiveness is in the letting go... So take a deep breath, speak your mind, feel your heart... and let go. There is beauty in the breakdown.  xx.a

time does not change us, it just unfolds us.

That very Max Frisch quote rings in my ears as I walked laps at the park this morning with the kids I nanny in tow.  I believe that the events that occur during said time change us; they mature us, build character, leave battle wounds that remind us of lessons learned... And if we are reckless, leave us scarred and embittered.  I am fortunate enough to have learned early on that regret and remorse over so-called 'mistakes' is a waste of time... But not before letting regret live in my heart and head rent free for countless years.  


Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.  -Will Rogers 


This is precisely what I am striving to avoid.  I have said before that I have no intention of waiting until I am in my last decades to wander this great planet, and I have no intention of allowing the one thing that truly defines me to go to waste: dichotomy.  I need balance in my life, I came to that conclusion in my early twenties and have since been a better version of myself.  When I was taking 28 credit hours and working 3 part-time jobs, I was all work and no fun.  Currently, I am the opposite of the aforementioned lifestyle, and I am craving some structure to my life... But just a little.  The same balance can be applied to my "retirement years"... I don't want them.  I like working, I like earning things and feeling a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.  It may be commissioned artwork only, or I may teach until I am in my 80's, but I know I don't want to kick back and do nothing at the end of my life.  Work, travel, love, rest... Live.  


That being said, I also believe that dear Father Time is not the only key-holder to our true selves.  Yes, events in our lives- first loves, first time having sex, first fight with our parents, first brush with death, first time traveling, first time living on your own- they build character and help you mature... But it is also the decisions we make that show us who we are. 


"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." – Unknown 


These words remind me of a very passionate, but tumultuous, relationship I was in for a very long time.  The words never quite matched the actions because the actions were a reflection of the thoughts & feelings.  In this life we live, words are the easiest thing to fake.  I, for one, refuse to "fake it til I make it" because I know that I deserve better than that, and so do the people in my life.  Your thoughts, words, actions, habits, & character are all what lead you to where you are going: Don't blame "fate" for things that happen... There is a sense of Karma (whatever you want to call it) in this Universe, so be kind and be careful what you put out there and how you treat others, but you are in control of your life!  If you pay attention, you will find your true self a little bit each day... Then live.

Strong then... 

Strong now...

  xx.a

sunrise in my soul

"We must get beyond textbooks, go out into bypaths... and tell the world the glories of our journey." -John Hope Franklin


Have you ever been so excited that your hands literally are shaking and you cannot stop smiling?  It feels like the sun is rising in my abdomen and there are chirping birds in my lungs, singing a beautiful melody with every breath I take.  I love the feeling of happiness, hope, and inner peace.  


I officially registered to become TESOL/TEFL/TESL certified.  By the end of August, I will be qualified to teach English as a foreign language and will begin applying for jobs over seas.  Those of you who have been a part of my adult life know that I have wanted to do this for the better part of a decade, however, I made the choice to- let's just leave it at "postpone"- my dream for others.  Twice.  In the last 9 months, I have had an awakening in my soul and started respecting and loving myself more than ever.  I have become a better version of myself and I am the happiest I have ever been.  Now I can pursue my dream, because I know I deserve it, and I do not need another's validation.


This adventure I am about to embark on marries so many of my favorite things in life: travel, teaching, passion, learning, adventure... The list goes on and on.  I have found nothing but support from my family and nearest and dearest friends, and for that I am endlessly thankful.    Initially, my intent was to venture out through the JET Programme, however in light of recent events I feel my path is taking me elsewhere.  I will always have a serious love affair with Japan, and we will one day be reunited, but for now I will find love in another place.  I was also looking very seriously into Dubai, however being a woman (and a sassy one, at that) it would be extremely difficult for me to find a job without a Masters Degree and limited work experience (they also have a hold on all work visas for non-UAE passports).  Based on my qualifications and what is out there in this market, I am looking at South America.  Brazil and Argentina are the top two contenders for my attention, thus far, and I am taking some serious time to research the countries and their respective lifestyles, pay, cost of living, etc.  

This is going to happen very quickly, but it has been a long time coming, so I feel the immediacy of my departure is appropriate.  I will begin applying to schools in both countries (as well as Ecuador, Taiwan & Panama) at the beginning of September, and depending on the interview and work visa processes, I could be gone as early as November 2011.  Wherever this adventure takes me, I will still be on facebook, Skype, ooVoo, Whatsapp and blogging faithfully.  Once I am assigned a school and get settled, I will also develop a work-based blog from an ESL teacher's perspective, but more on that later down the road. 

There will be a couch available to anyone who wants to make the trek and visit me wherever I am teaching, and know that I am still adding things to my Bucket List, though achieving this goal will definitely be crossing a few off of it as well! I hope that you all start thinking about whether or not you are grabbing hold of your dreams and desires of the heart.  Life is far too short and far too beautiful.  I breathe freely knowing that one day, this sunrise in my soul will be one on another continent, and I am free. 

“Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.” 

xx.a

my lack of filter does not justify yours

I initially intended to avoid this subject in this blog for a multitude of reasons, however I was naive in believing that this subject did not merit being addressed publicly.  This is not gay propaganda, nor is it bashing any particular group.  Please read this and take an honest look at yourself... Am I talking about you?  Even a little bit?  Even if I don't know you?


For those who are close to me, you know I am a very open person and will talk to anyone about anything, assuming respect and good taste are present.  Well, assuming makes an ass, as we all know.  I thought that we, as a society, were beyond the slurs, terms of degradation, and judgement without reason.  I thought that people were actually starting to accept people for who they are- nurture and nature.  I thought that, as individualistic as this country is, it would be uncommon and unnatural to pigeonhole persons based on a lifestyle choice (or non-choice), ethnicity, body type, or any other non non-sequitur when it comes to knowing another human being.  I thought that people could actually look at others and say, "This is who they are, I choose to love them".  I thought wrong. I assumed.  I'm an ass. 


Why was I naive enough to let go of the notion that people have their own agendas?  Better an ass than an asshole, I believe.  I understand that I am not without fault, however I do pride myself on accepting people for who they are.  My sister is a perfect example: she and I are very different people with different lifestyles and we do not always see eye-to-eye.  However, I know who she is on the most basic level, and would not try and change her.  On the more complicated levels, her choices may differ from mine, but I do not see them as wrong because we differ.  I see them as hers, and as long as she is alive, happy & not wasting her life away doing something self-deprecating -or not doing anything at all- then I choose to support her.  (For the record, she just landed a huge career opportunity and I am very proud of her.) 


Enough walking on eggshells.  I am proud of who I am, I was born this way, and I love me.  Not like... LOVE.  I am a product of nature and nurture.  I can look at humans without a filter, and though I feel I was born with this ability, I have worked hard to hone this ability over the last ten years.  I love people.  Not men.  Not women.  People.  I love to love people for who they are in their soul- regardless of their gender.  I see people without judging them or judging myself for caring about them.  You like what you like, you love who you love, & you are who you are... You can always better yourself, but you cannot change who you innately are.  If I choose to bring a man to introduce to my loved ones, I am asked the following questions: 

"How old is he?" 

"What does he do for a living?" 

"How'd you two meet?" 

However, if I were to bring a woman, under the same circumstances, the questions & statements differ tremendously: 

"Guess you've never had sex with a real man."

"How do you have sex?" 

"Can I watch/join you?"

Seriously?  I'd put some serious money on the notion that just reading those questions made some of my readers uncomfortable; now imagine hearing them out loud and in front of the person you brought, assuring them acceptance was just a click away.  I see where people might be inquisitive, not being a part of that world, and that is absolutely fine, but it all comes down to respect.  Ask if you can talk to me about it, don't just offer your penis up on a plate; I am pretty sure I can find one on my own, thanks.  Also, just because a woman can be attracted to another woman, does not mean the following: 


1. She is attracted to every single woman. 
2. She has no standards in her selection process. 
3. She will have sex with any man.
4. She is down to have sex with you and your girlfriend/friend/buddy/dog/homeless guy. 
5. She is a toy, play thing, piece of meat, or non-human. 
6. She has "Daddy Issues".


That being said, I have none of the above in my little black book: I'm a lady.  Though I pride myself on not being like other girls in many ways, you still have to talk to me with the same respect you would a normal girl... Scratch that.  I want more respect.  I don't lie, cheat, steal, or play games, and I put it all on the table.  If every conversation we have turns sexual or to my experience and dating history (usually focused on women, because men are simple creatures) then you will shortly find our conversations will dwindle quickly to non-existent.  There is so much more to me than that, and if you cannot see that, or don't care to explore that side of me, you will never explore the side of me you are showing obsessive tendencies toward.  Treating a woman- or anyone, for that matter- like a science experiment or social abnormality is uncharacteristically crude, even in this desensitized world we live in.  We clear?  Use your filter, have some respect & remember that people who live differently- be it sexuality, religion, or otherwise- does not make them subhuman and something for you to dissect at your own discretion.  You cannot put me into a box, you cannot force me to label myself or my core feelings, nor can you force me to be anything but a happy, free individual.  

Proud to be me.  No labels. 

For the first time in my life, I have experienced serious judgement from loved ones in my life, simply because of my lack of filter, as I like to call it.  They call it my "sexual choice".  Newsflash: I didn't get a say.  It'd be so much easier to just know, as some people do, that there is only one choice.  The entity that is "me" knows that there is no obvious choice.  When I find that person, I will know it is the right one for me to be with... I don't give a half a damn which department they shop in.  Why wouldn't you want someone in your life- friend, family, coworker- to be happy?  Misery loves company?  Since I was about 12 or 13, I can remember being as fascinated by the female form as the male form.  At my 16th birthday party, a good friend of mine and I decided to kiss.  Admittedly, it was exciting (and she was a good kisser) but I wasn't dying to date her or vying for her attention afterwards.  We just stayed friends, and it worked.  It also didn't feel unnatural.  That doesn't mean you can objectify me now, nor does it mean I am better than you, nor you than I. 


The most painful of all the things I have experienced in my life- from high school horrors of being attacked in every way for being a published model to having my figure criticized by complete strangers to losing loved ones- the most excruciating is the rejection from someone you admire.  I have had men I was being courted by drop me upon finding out I have been involved with women.  I have had many, many men spout out the three aforementioned questions, and then ad-lib a myriad or other moronic statements.  The day that stopped me in my tracks, was the day a close friend's mother informed me that I was the problem.  This coming from a supposed 'Gay Rights Activist' and 'lover of the arts'.  To this day, when our paths cross, she refuses to address me, even when I have shown her nothing but respect, mature demeanor, and given zero reasons for her to have any distaste.  Obviously, I have lost a massive amount of respect for her, but it still kills me that she just doesn't understand me, my lifestyle (whatever that means), or anything about the variety of personalities encompassed within whatever community he thinks I am a part of.  There are so many types of people out there: malicious, altruistic, artistic, selfish, brilliant- the same is true in every race, sexuality, gender, ethnicity, religion and so on.  Like what you like, but keep an open mind and use your damn filter.  All people have feelings, not just straight ones. 


I'd like to introduce my audience to something called NOH8.  The NOH8 Campaign is a photographic silent protest created by celebrity photographer Adam Bouska and partner Jeff Parshley.  It initially was in direct response to Prop 8 in California, however it has become a wide-standing statement against hate in general, especially towards the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender) community. Take a minute and check it out, if you haven't already.  

Courtesy NOH8

I am not asking you to make a public statement supporting anything, I am merely asking you to take a moment to consider that your preconceived notions, snap judgements, or even learned behaviors could be wrong, hurtful, & damaging to the relationships you have in your life.  "Not In My Backyard" and "Don't Ask Don't Tell" don't fly anymore, folks.  If you were unaware, we are officially in the Civil Rights movements of the newer millennium.  The 1960's showed tremendous change in how African Americans were treated in America (which took too damn long) and I would like the 2010's to show incredible advancement in the acceptance of LGBT individuals- not tolerance.  

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when people are afraid of the light. -Plato

Thanks to all of you who love me and the people in your life unconditionally.  xx.a

it slipped her mind...

 I love my mother.  She took a fall last November and hit her head, though there were no signs of a concussion, she was much more tender than she should have been for almost three months.  When she went to her doctor, he issued an order for an MRI to make sure everything was alright.  Everything was fine, except for this bit of brain tissue seeping down the back of her spinal column.  Excuse me?  


Note: I left out a lot of details in this blog, as this was a very private struggle and I want to respect my mother's privacy, as well as protect my readers from details they might not be able to handle.  


Flash forward a few weeks and there I am sitting in the neurosurgeon's office at Loma Linda University Hospital, cracking jokes with my mom while we await a doctor we had never met before.  Apparently, a Chiari 1 Malformation  is a simple thing to see on a CT Scan or MRI, as it was with my mother's case, but our case was a bit out of the ordinary.  Luckily, it was caught before any major damage was done (such as explosions within the spinal column or leaking of CSF (spinal fluid).  However, this particular medical condition is typically diagnosed when the individual is in their twenties, not their fifties.  The doctor was wonderful, approachable and professional at the same time, and he informed us that we had to make the decision as a family.  My father, sister and I informed our mom we would support whatever measure she wanted to take, but we all felt that the surgery seemed like the best possible approach, as it was both corrective and preventative.  After a week or two of deliberation, my mom scheduled her surgery and the wait began.  And then the wait ended, when the neurosurgeon's office called and moved her surgery up two weeks.  

Fears, hopes, concerns, facts, opinions, fantasies, nightmares, and history aside: We had the unknown.  We all went to bed, said our prayers, and hopped in the car before dawn to head forty minutes east to hand the person who gave me life to someone I had met one time.  In true Cartwright fashion, my mom realized she didn't have her night driving glasses and asked me to drive about halfway down the street.  We exited her car and did a Chinese Fire Drill, waving our arms and flailing about to make my sister laugh, who was following in her truck behind us.  When we checked in to pre-op, my sister and I laughed with my mom the entire time.  We blew up latex gloves and made them talk like turkeys, we chatted with the nurses, and even asked if there were any cute, single anesthesiologists around (ok, my sister didn't... Don't judge me).  We each kissed her "see you later" as opposed to "goodbye" and hollered down the hall that we were quite jealous of all the drugs she got to take, and requested she save us some.  We both made sure to smile big, as the last thing we wanted her to think about were her two daughters smiling with confidence and love. 

Jesus watches over us.
Jesus, and an Asian lady.

Sister sleeping:
Rare, but sweet. 

ICU Official Sleep Pack:
Be jealous.

 Those were without a doubt the longest 7 hours of my life.  Even with the incredible staff at Loma Linda going out of their way to keep us informed with Patient Relations personnel and text message updates (yes, you read that correctly), it was nerve-wracking, gut-wrenching, and all together draining.  When she finally came out, she had some trouble with the anesthesia and her lungs.  What was supposed to be a few days in recovery and a basic hospital room, turned into four long days in ICU.  The first two days were slow and painful.  It was so incredibly difficult to see my mom in so much pain, as well as so confused.  the doctors assured me that this was in fact not something we should be overly concerned with.  My sister and I were in the ICU every few hours and slept on the floor of the hospital waiting rooms for four cold, hard nights.  Every second was worth it when, on day 3, we went upstairs to see mom and the light was back in her eyes.  She was eating a bit, she was cracking little jokes, and (most importantly for me) she was once again flipping me off for my smart ass mouth.  There's my mommy.  I felt my heart beat again for the first time in 72 hours.  Thank God. 


I never left that hospital, not once, for four days, and my sister only to grab us food once or twice.  The night guards, nurses, receptionists, doctors, and even the families of other patients in ICU knew us and asked about our mom's progress every day.  My friends were calling and texting, facebooking, and bringing coffee to the hospital (Loma Linda is Seventh Day Adventist... No caffeine anywhere on campus!) and sending love & prayers, I know because we could feel them.  Family was bringing food and stopping by to sit with my sister and I as we watched everything from which drugs she was on to her vitals.  The abundance of support was refreshing and appreciated beyond expression.  I truly think it was all the prayers and love sent to her, in addition to her sheer will to be a badass, that helped her do a 180 in the ICU and shock everyone around her; even her doctors.  

Contrary to popular belief, hospital floors are not
conducive to sleep.  Or avoiding back injury.

She is now home and resting.  She is still dizzy, a bit sore & has a minimal appetite, but she is kicking ass in my book, and I am so proud of her.  She loves showing off the crazy scar she has on the back of her head and neck, and gets her stitches out tomorrow.  Thank you to all of you who went out of your way to be there for her and for our family.  We couldn't have done it without you.  Please know, if you ever need anything, I am forever in your debt.  Unless you need help moving this Saturday, I am actually really busy.  xx.a

Love for Lala (my mom) from the best people in the world. 

kicking the bucket: death be not a player hater

I want to do that before I die! 

That phrase has almost become almost as cliché as they come, being muttered by drones wandering the cubical mazes making a theoretical list (ok, some people actually make a list) and never crossing a single adventure off of it.  I've begun to wonder as the drones wander... Do they make these lists as a crutch?  Do these idlers and settlers use the classic "Bucket List" as a way to have hope that their lives will magically one day turn into something fantastic?  Newsflash, kids, good things don't come to those who wait.  Great and mind-blowing things come to those who get off their asses and open the door themselves.  There is something to be said for patience (it is a virtue, after all... and we should all strive to be virtuous, right?) and not being too hasty, but where is it written that we need to wait until our retirement to live life until it hurts-so-good?  I wouldn't want to be a senior citizen trying to climb 530 steps to the top of St. Paul's Cathedral and have my hip pop out!  Though, dear readers, I did manage this climb on the one day it was sunny in London and I was wearing a skirt.  (You're welcome, German tourists, hope it wasn't too distracting from the centuries of history and culture surrounding you.)  

I started asking my most interesting and dearest friends if they had ever taken the time to sit down and pen out their "Bucket List" out.  A few had compiled a tangible list, to no surprise, and I was fortunate to have them share their sensational, albeit some nonsensical aspirations with me.  A few souls admitted it's on their notepad in their iPhone (good God where would we be without them?) for constant editing.  There was a scattering of surprises, though, that caused me to stumble when they shrugged their proverbial shoulders when admitting they hadn't put much thought into it or muttered, "There are things I want to do before I die." Oy. 

Some of the entries were outstanding.  My sister's boyfriend and my dear friend, Chris (who specifically asked to be credited with his), wants to live in a tree.  No, really.  He also wants to stay in the Hobbit Shire homes in New Zealand.  I applaud his remarkable and distinguished list, as it reminded me that "Travel Asia" isn't enough when it comes to figuring out my list.  One of my favorite people on the planet, Benton, rocked my world with some of his entries, though I shouldn't be surprised as his mind is one of evil genius married with eccentric splendor.  Only he could come up with having his outgoing message recorded by the voice of NPR, Carl Kasell- classic Benton.  What threw me was his final submission: he wants to be struck by lightening. My initial reaction surprised me; I was exhilarated.  What a rush!  The ultimate 'To-Do' is death, really, so this should probably be his last, but he most likely considered that while assembling his list.  Richard, an old friend and stellar soul, has a concise and well thought-out list; his entries ranging from playing catch with his father on the Field of Dreams at Cooperstown (family sentiment) to scuba diving with sharks and moving to Las Vegas for an entire year.  I love the variety and brilliance of some of the tasks these amazing people came up with.  I decided to dive a little deeper.... into something they call, "The Inter-Web". Some up-and-coming thing all the kids are using.  We'll see if it takes off. 

Skydiving, 2nd time, 2009

 think there is a substantial difference between "The Bucket List" and some things you wouldn't mind doing.  These things should incite riots within you, raising exhilaration to new heights when you discuss it or- gasp!- make plans to cross it off your precious list.  For example, I have been to both Disneyland and Disneyworld, and one day would like to visit TokyoDisney, but I must admit it is more because of my ridiculous obsession with Japan than it has to do with Disney.  If I am in Paris or Hong Kong, I won't prioritize spending my money or time wandering around a theme park.  Therein lies the key: prioritizing. Everything on my Do-It-To-It Bucket List is prioritized from this point forward!

Granted, I wrote one when I was 15 or so, then again at 18, but they have fallen victim to Spring cleaning or mistaken identity of a grocery list, one would think.  In this age of ludicrous technology, why not pry into random individuals most private desires, much like you are doing to mine?  I might as well make sure there is nothing I am missing out on!  I first and foremost had to grab something tangible to put these hot little ideas down on.  I know myself, I am a list maker, and if I am going to make these dreams of mine a sweet reality, the list needs to be as tangible as I desire them to be.  (Besides, that gives me something to scrapbook later!  Oh, in case we haven't met, I'm a massive nerd.  Alright, back to my list.) I started by making two separate lists: Badass Adventures That Made Me Who I am & You Jealous and Adventures That Won't Happen If I Am Sitting On My Sweet Ass.  Admittedly, that's a bit wordy (even for myself, the Wordsmith) so I simplified: Things I Have Done and The Bucket List, respectively.  I wrote as much as I could, as quickly as I could to get things rolling along before picking the brains of random people all over the world.  

Himeji, Japan 2006

I found that most individuals ambitions revolve around accomplishments, such as Masters Degrees & eliminating debt, and travel.  As I found myself scrolling quickly through blogs, lists and forums it hit be: I've done almost all of these.  How fortunate am I to be scribbling furiously in this bright lavender ink (I keep it real) over the Benn-There-Done-That side of this experiment?  I did manage to find a few I hadn't done or even considered, one I even added to my own list.  It felt amazing to fill the blank pages with my adventures and accomplishments, even the smaller ones we often forget about, like witnessing a sunrise from its inception or getting slap-you-in-the-face-drunk. Conversely, there are some things that I just cannot bring myself to put on my list, but you bet your ass I will proudly put them on my list of accomplishments should I ever find myself in that position: getting arrested, streaking or breaking someones bone.

Playing with baby tigers, 2010

One of the most inspiring people I have ever met was only in my life for a short while before she left our advertising agency to travel the world and increase her badass levels to incomparable levels. Laurenne Sala: author, freelance writer, creative director, comedian, producer, story teller, cultural guru (my opinion) and general hottie.  She uses words like 'vagina' and writes up mock-interviews with God, calling him a douchebag because he won't get off his Blackberry.  She traveled the world because she damn well felt like it and she's on of the most genuine people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.  Her blog is the highlight of my day, and with a name like Humans Are Funny can you blame a girl? She wanted to attack life, not sit back and hope the right people meandered into her office at the right time.  She puts herself out there, breaking pretty much all the social standards and rules we try to abide by, and she does it with a gorgeous smile and no shame.  I feel fortunate to have someone as such a stellar example of someone taking life by the balls and forging her own path, not giving half a damn about what others might think she is "supposed" to be doing. 

The thing I hate the most about advertising is that it attracts all the bright, creative and ambitious young people, leaving us mainly with the slow and self-obsessed to become our artists.. Modern art is a disaster area. Never in the field of human history has so much been used by so many to say so little. - Banksy

Don't worry, Banksy, she plays for both teams. Advertising and art, that is... Hopefully she forgets she gave me permission to use her in this blog because I can't bring myself to delete that.  Maybe humans are, in fact, funny... Regardless, Laurenne was brought into my life for a specific reason, as she has never been far from my mind and I see her wearing an attitude rivaling the one I am tailor-making for myself at this point in time.  Laurenne reminded me of my list, and I am fortunate enough to say that I have inspired a few others, in my asking, to make theirs and start making plans. 

Every body dies, but not everybody lives.  I'm not going to allow death to be my greatest adventure, I want to welcome it with a smile and an eased sense of satisfaction.  Hopefully, as the title of this entry boasts, death will not keep me from my list of adventures I am about to share with you.  Please note, it has been simplified greatly because listing every place I want to visit would be ridiculous.  More will be added... 

Adventures That Won't Happen If I'm Sitting On My Ass

See the Northern Lights (Aurora Borealis) 

Go whitewater rafting   May 2012, Peru

Go scuba diving

Ride a dogsled 

Attend an Olympic event 

Learn to Salsa dance in South America  November 2011, Quito Ecuador 

Visit all 7 continents

Visit all 50 states 

Celebrate New Year's Eve in a foreign country  Montañita, Ecuador 2011-2012

Finish learning Japanese 

Sing karaoke solo  6/5/13 Gunpowder & Lead, Miranda Lambert (Thanks, Mom!)

Write a book 

Use a fire extinguisher 10/28/11 Thanks, Nik Cherwink! 

Finish learning guitar 

See the 7 Wonders of the World

-Machu Picchu, Peru   05/27/12

-Great Wall of China, China

-Great Pyramid of Giza, Egypt 

-Taj Majal, India 

-Christ the Redeemer, Brazil 

-Stonehenge, England

-Colosseum, Italy

Play one song at an open mic night

Move overseas   Ecuador, 2011

Drive on the Autobahn 

Set a World Record  32,673 Luche Libre masks worn @ Angels Game 5/10/11

Attend a World Cup match

Attend Coachella  April 15-17, 2011

Attend Burning Man 

Go sailing

Paint a self-portrait 

Participate in a Japanese Tea Ceremony

Attend an opera 

Float down the Amazon River

Ride a unicycle 

Write with a quill 

Seal Island in South Africa

Ride an elephant in Thailand

Be in two places at once  Mitad del Mundo, Ecuador 2012

Milk a cow

Attend Carnaval in South America Carnaval de Barranquilla, Colombia February 2012

Ride in a helicopter  

Go on an African Safari 

Drink Guinness in Ireland  Study Abroad, May 2005

La Tomatina Festival in Buñol, Spain
Sakura (Cherry Blossom) Festival in Okinawa, Japan
Oktoberfest in Munich, Germany 
Mardi Gras in New Orleans, LA
Hot air balloon ride 
Brew homemade beer Amie Ann Amber Ale - Sept 2011
Visit a nude beach 
Climb Sydney Harbor Bridge in Sydney, Australia 
Visit every country in South America 
Fill up a passport before it expires 
Learn to surf  North Shore, Oahu - Dec 2012
Save someone's life
Live in Japan
Fire a flamethrower
Join the 100 Club (countries)
Volcano Boarding in Nicaragua 
Cage diving with sharks 
Dine in the Sky 
Swim in the Dead Sea in Isreal
Death Road in Bolivia (I assume cycle... We shall see...) 
Wing Walking 
Go snowmobiling 
...
BAM. Let's do this.
xx.a