french-canadian women and ecuadorian men

My plane sat on the tarmac in Houston, Texas awaiting our turn to take to the sky. The sky was glowing bubble gum pink and the plane filled with a warm, gentle light as people fidgeted and adjusted items and settings to ensure their flight was to their liking. I didn't move a muscle. I sat with my coat and scarf in my lap and a small mile on my face, as if I knew something wonderful that noone else knew.

I spoke candidly with a French-Canadian woman, presumably in her 60's, who had lost her husband five years earlier and decided to travel the entire world in her days of retirement. She was very clean, sweet, and had pearls around her neck. She had moved to my empty row to escape being squished between two of her travel mates, which reminded me of the book I have been reading, 'A Woman Alone' which is comprised of short stories from women who have traveled all over without accompaniment or regret. My smile grew slightly.

Her gentle, feminine hands were manicured like my grandmother's, and though proved that she definitely took care of herself, showed experience. One day my hands will look like hers, and it will be an honor. I will wear this badge of experience and adventure with pride. Until then, she really reminded me I need to take better care of my skin.

The French-Canadian woman and I chatted about travel, food, experiences, people, and the things that made us happiest. As she asked me questions about my life, I was honest (even if reluctantly) and wondered, "Would she approve if I am honest?" Wow. I had come to respect this woman like a family member. Why did I care if she approved of me living with two gentlemen? To no surprise, she thought it was fantastic and applauded my bravery in my endeavors.

As we flew over endless water, we watched the sun set, experiencing oranges and reds never seen before by these eyes. Thunderheads created stunning silhouettes out of our window and we would occasionally stop chatting about her apartment in France or my Spring Break in Japan to just admire.

As the sun finally disappeared into the blackened Gulf of Mexico, I knew it was just me, the French-Canadian woman, and 70 travelers without a clue as to the dance I was doing on the inside. I sat quietly and soaked it all up. The massive belly laugh of the handsome 30-something Ecuadorian man to my left and a row behind brought a smile to my face every time he made a joke at his friend's expense, half in English, half in Spanish. I cocked my headed to the side every time the cat let escape a 'meow' from under an unidentified passenger's seat, as I kept forgetting it too was on an adventure with us. I sat in stunned disbelief at the silence of the half dozen babies on my flight, and prayed I didn't jinx it. I tried to pick up as much of the Spanish conversations as I could, then responded to them in my mind, hoping I'd gotten it right, but being showed up by the native speakers. I tried to guess who was Ecuadorian and who was a fellow foreigner by looking for passports and language guides or listening for murmured words over the buzz of engines of my 737 delivery vessel.

Yet, there was a strange calm to my venture. I wondered if perhaps, when I woke up in the morning, that the little girl inside me would burst out. Do not make the mistake of thinking I wasn't ecstatic, because I was thrilled! I believe I was just overwhelmed and still in disbelief.

Immigration was a breeze, in fact, the immigration official was a young, handsome gentleman who wrote his phone number on my paper work and asked if I would teach him English & he would teach me Spanish. Nice, Ecuador, way to welcome a lady...

My roommates, Bryan and Ian, picked me up at the airport and exceeded all of my hopes and expectations. We promptly opened the bottle of Captain Morgan rum (which you cannot buy in Ecuador, so I brought as a token of my gratitude) and got to know each other. At 5:30 am we all decided this was a great match for roommates and went to bed.

This morning, I awoke to smooth jazz colada morada, chamomile tea, and a fresh start in my life.

xx.a

me voy

Here I go. Literally, I'm walking on to the plane docked at LAX that will deliver me safely to the newest an most exciting chapter of my life in Quito, Ecuador.


For those of you who know me (or have at least read my blog posts) know I love planning and organizing... But I have a hot, torrid affair with adventure and spontaneity. This chapter of my life combines this dichotomy better than I could ever have constructed myself, and I am at peace with the balance life has presented me.


Things I know...


-I'm moving to Quito, Ecuador. Now.
-I will be teaching business professionals & executives.
-I'm happier than I have ever been.
-I can't drink the water.
-I will not be living in a grass hut, contrary to popular belief.
-I will not be riding a goat, llama, or any other animal to or from work.
-I speak enough Spanish to get in trouble... Not sure if I speak enough to get back out, though.


The list of things I am unsure of is so much longer and more detailed, I'm worried it will stress my readers out and I will have countless Facebook messages and a plethora of blog comments inquiring as to whether or not I was of sound mind when I signed up for this gig. So I'll share with you the ones that make me giggle & provide a sense of how beautifully unclear my future is in Quito.


I don't know how many times I will get lost, how many times I will mispronounce someones name, or how many times I'll wake up and breathe the clean, thin Ecuadorian air and break into a huge smile knowing I have made the best decision of my life.

Honestly, I don't know what I don't know: I am prepared to be unprepared. I cannot fully express how this anticipation moves me in ways I've never felt before. I am moving to a country of which I had zero knowledge of, save its geographic location and couldn't be more thrilled to get to know this world like a new lover. I want to explore her curves, stare into her eyes, laugh with her until the sun comes up, and kiss her sweetly at the perfect moments.


I thank you all for your love, support, encouragement, cards, help, laughs, well wishes, and reminding me that I'm loved on a daily basis.


I will miss my Huntington Beach crew and our Barbie Dream House, vino-fueled photoshoots, scaling the wall like a professional amateur, and walking everywhere there isn't a random truck...


I will miss my LA advertising ladies and our endless laughs, Palm Springs Parties, and industry parties we "have to" go to...


I will miss my Suncrest Crew and our late night driveway sessions, toga parties, Jack from the bottle, big neighborhood dinners, beer pong, stripper poles & GOOD FOR YOU!


I will miss my sweet southern boys and our shit-talking, beer shotgunning, BBQing, days on the lake, Sherlockls, Boston's, and football Sunday Fundays...


I will miss my sassy southern ladies and our ridiculous (drunken) dress-up sessions, Ladybirds, Crown with Sprite-back cut a bitch, stories that happened and we still don't believe...


I will miss my family and our Hearts & Stars, Build Me Up Buttercup, guitar playing, beer brewing, 20+ years of inside jokes, and unconditional love...


I already miss my Australia, Iowa & Sacramento people. Know you're all in my heart.


Mom, Dad, Lindsey, Chris, Lyneia, Chase, Ian, Nik, Lara, Lindsey Sang, Kevin, Finks, Holly, Jason... There aren't words.


Thank you all for blessing me by being in my life, and thank you for staying there as I travel this great world of ours. I love you all so honestly, and always will.


Adios, amigos...


xx.a

my lack of filter does not justify yours

I initially intended to avoid this subject in this blog for a multitude of reasons, however I was naive in believing that this subject did not merit being addressed publicly.  This is not gay propaganda, nor is it bashing any particular group.  Please read this and take an honest look at yourself... Am I talking about you?  Even a little bit?  Even if I don't know you?


For those who are close to me, you know I am a very open person and will talk to anyone about anything, assuming respect and good taste are present.  Well, assuming makes an ass, as we all know.  I thought that we, as a society, were beyond the slurs, terms of degradation, and judgement without reason.  I thought that people were actually starting to accept people for who they are- nurture and nature.  I thought that, as individualistic as this country is, it would be uncommon and unnatural to pigeonhole persons based on a lifestyle choice (or non-choice), ethnicity, body type, or any other non non-sequitur when it comes to knowing another human being.  I thought that people could actually look at others and say, "This is who they are, I choose to love them".  I thought wrong. I assumed.  I'm an ass. 


Why was I naive enough to let go of the notion that people have their own agendas?  Better an ass than an asshole, I believe.  I understand that I am not without fault, however I do pride myself on accepting people for who they are.  My sister is a perfect example: she and I are very different people with different lifestyles and we do not always see eye-to-eye.  However, I know who she is on the most basic level, and would not try and change her.  On the more complicated levels, her choices may differ from mine, but I do not see them as wrong because we differ.  I see them as hers, and as long as she is alive, happy & not wasting her life away doing something self-deprecating -or not doing anything at all- then I choose to support her.  (For the record, she just landed a huge career opportunity and I am very proud of her.) 


Enough walking on eggshells.  I am proud of who I am, I was born this way, and I love me.  Not like... LOVE.  I am a product of nature and nurture.  I can look at humans without a filter, and though I feel I was born with this ability, I have worked hard to hone this ability over the last ten years.  I love people.  Not men.  Not women.  People.  I love to love people for who they are in their soul- regardless of their gender.  I see people without judging them or judging myself for caring about them.  You like what you like, you love who you love, & you are who you are... You can always better yourself, but you cannot change who you innately are.  If I choose to bring a man to introduce to my loved ones, I am asked the following questions: 

"How old is he?" 

"What does he do for a living?" 

"How'd you two meet?" 

However, if I were to bring a woman, under the same circumstances, the questions & statements differ tremendously: 

"Guess you've never had sex with a real man."

"How do you have sex?" 

"Can I watch/join you?"

Seriously?  I'd put some serious money on the notion that just reading those questions made some of my readers uncomfortable; now imagine hearing them out loud and in front of the person you brought, assuring them acceptance was just a click away.  I see where people might be inquisitive, not being a part of that world, and that is absolutely fine, but it all comes down to respect.  Ask if you can talk to me about it, don't just offer your penis up on a plate; I am pretty sure I can find one on my own, thanks.  Also, just because a woman can be attracted to another woman, does not mean the following: 


1. She is attracted to every single woman. 
2. She has no standards in her selection process. 
3. She will have sex with any man.
4. She is down to have sex with you and your girlfriend/friend/buddy/dog/homeless guy. 
5. She is a toy, play thing, piece of meat, or non-human. 
6. She has "Daddy Issues".


That being said, I have none of the above in my little black book: I'm a lady.  Though I pride myself on not being like other girls in many ways, you still have to talk to me with the same respect you would a normal girl... Scratch that.  I want more respect.  I don't lie, cheat, steal, or play games, and I put it all on the table.  If every conversation we have turns sexual or to my experience and dating history (usually focused on women, because men are simple creatures) then you will shortly find our conversations will dwindle quickly to non-existent.  There is so much more to me than that, and if you cannot see that, or don't care to explore that side of me, you will never explore the side of me you are showing obsessive tendencies toward.  Treating a woman- or anyone, for that matter- like a science experiment or social abnormality is uncharacteristically crude, even in this desensitized world we live in.  We clear?  Use your filter, have some respect & remember that people who live differently- be it sexuality, religion, or otherwise- does not make them subhuman and something for you to dissect at your own discretion.  You cannot put me into a box, you cannot force me to label myself or my core feelings, nor can you force me to be anything but a happy, free individual.  

Proud to be me.  No labels. 

For the first time in my life, I have experienced serious judgement from loved ones in my life, simply because of my lack of filter, as I like to call it.  They call it my "sexual choice".  Newsflash: I didn't get a say.  It'd be so much easier to just know, as some people do, that there is only one choice.  The entity that is "me" knows that there is no obvious choice.  When I find that person, I will know it is the right one for me to be with... I don't give a half a damn which department they shop in.  Why wouldn't you want someone in your life- friend, family, coworker- to be happy?  Misery loves company?  Since I was about 12 or 13, I can remember being as fascinated by the female form as the male form.  At my 16th birthday party, a good friend of mine and I decided to kiss.  Admittedly, it was exciting (and she was a good kisser) but I wasn't dying to date her or vying for her attention afterwards.  We just stayed friends, and it worked.  It also didn't feel unnatural.  That doesn't mean you can objectify me now, nor does it mean I am better than you, nor you than I. 


The most painful of all the things I have experienced in my life- from high school horrors of being attacked in every way for being a published model to having my figure criticized by complete strangers to losing loved ones- the most excruciating is the rejection from someone you admire.  I have had men I was being courted by drop me upon finding out I have been involved with women.  I have had many, many men spout out the three aforementioned questions, and then ad-lib a myriad or other moronic statements.  The day that stopped me in my tracks, was the day a close friend's mother informed me that I was the problem.  This coming from a supposed 'Gay Rights Activist' and 'lover of the arts'.  To this day, when our paths cross, she refuses to address me, even when I have shown her nothing but respect, mature demeanor, and given zero reasons for her to have any distaste.  Obviously, I have lost a massive amount of respect for her, but it still kills me that she just doesn't understand me, my lifestyle (whatever that means), or anything about the variety of personalities encompassed within whatever community he thinks I am a part of.  There are so many types of people out there: malicious, altruistic, artistic, selfish, brilliant- the same is true in every race, sexuality, gender, ethnicity, religion and so on.  Like what you like, but keep an open mind and use your damn filter.  All people have feelings, not just straight ones. 


I'd like to introduce my audience to something called NOH8.  The NOH8 Campaign is a photographic silent protest created by celebrity photographer Adam Bouska and partner Jeff Parshley.  It initially was in direct response to Prop 8 in California, however it has become a wide-standing statement against hate in general, especially towards the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender) community. Take a minute and check it out, if you haven't already.  

Courtesy NOH8

I am not asking you to make a public statement supporting anything, I am merely asking you to take a moment to consider that your preconceived notions, snap judgements, or even learned behaviors could be wrong, hurtful, & damaging to the relationships you have in your life.  "Not In My Backyard" and "Don't Ask Don't Tell" don't fly anymore, folks.  If you were unaware, we are officially in the Civil Rights movements of the newer millennium.  The 1960's showed tremendous change in how African Americans were treated in America (which took too damn long) and I would like the 2010's to show incredible advancement in the acceptance of LGBT individuals- not tolerance.  

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when people are afraid of the light. -Plato

Thanks to all of you who love me and the people in your life unconditionally.  xx.a