illegal block: get around and sell a dress

Writer's block.  Building blocks.  New Kids on the Block.  Jenny from The Block.

I have experience with all of these, but there is one more block that trips me up: Blockage.

Blockage is when you know you need to do something and you not only feel within you a great desire to avoid something.  Now, this differs from not wanting to do laundry or write a paper.  Those are task that few souls enjoy and it's obvious as to why they would be avoided.  Blockage refers to the tasks that aren't that heavy or laden with negativity, but your psyche or subconscious are strongly adverse to completing.

Let's get personal.  About 4 years ago I let someone put a ring on my finger... I won't say I shouldn't have or that I regret it because it was part of a path that lead me here and I am one happy little lady... However, I will say that we were definitely not meant to be together.  I won't presume to speak for him, but I know I wish him well and learned a lot.  Now, during this whole proposal, I did what every bride-to-be does and planned a wedding.  I even found "The Perfect Dress" (Yes, that's a link to see it.  I need my reader emotionally involved!).  Yeah, well now this "perfect dress" has been hanging in my closet (on two sides of this country, nonetheless) for over 3 years and it's time to say goodbye.  I have changed, my body has changed, my heart has changed... and even though the dress is gorgeous and in perfect condition, I can't seem to wrap my head around putting it on and strolling down the isle to... anyone.  Time to sell.  Time to sell... tomorrow.  Oh, or Thursday after I have coffee with Amanda.  Well, Friday I want to finish painting that multimedia piece... Whoa.  Wait, why the hell am I making excuses?  I need that money to finish my schooling, which will propel me into a place I have wanted to be for a decade.  I need to not have a reminder of the past and an unhealthy relationship hanging next to my favorite blazer.  Why then, self, are you not throwing that bad boy on a billboard and laughing all the way to the bank?  

Simple.  We cannot just sell shit and not deal with the issue.  We know, in our core of cores, that when we sell the perfect dress, update the dreaded résumé, or finally catch up with someone we have been 'meaning to call' that we are, in fact, addressing an issue... Whether we want to or not.  Updating your résumé means you have to think about your future, explain your past, justify your actions, and put yourself out there.  It's change.  Catching up with someone (the relationship determines a lot, here) means you have to figure out why you weren't spending more time together or chatting, explain yourself, possibly apologize, and update another person about your Pinterest projects or listen to their potty training stories.  

Selling my former would-be wedding dress was a little different.  You would think it would be difficult because it was saying "goodbye" to him, our former would-be future, etc... However, it was more about the value of the dress.  My ex and I have no unfinished business, but I do value that dress because it was a beautiful time in my life and I hold it at a value where money doesn't touch it.  However, since I cannot buy a plane ticket with emotions and I don't need an expensive dress I can't wear anywhere to remind me of the lessons I have learned, out she goes.  

Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice. 
-Wayne Dyer 

You have to want to move past these issues.  It's like working out; you dread going to the gym and have a thousand excuses, however while you are working out you can actually feel the improvement in your mindset, you become proud of yourself, and the more you do it, the easier it becomes.  Afterwards, you feel fantastic and you see a change (just go with me on that one...).  

Remember when I challenged you? (If not, click on it and read it.  I double dare you...) Well, consider this challenge numero dos.  

Write down a 'To Do' list.  List everything from household chores to errands to things you have been meaning to do.  Then highlight the really specific ones you aren't looking forward to doing.   That in itself is a huge step... Give yourself a cookie.  Just one, dude...  

Now, turn your paper over and write why each one is something you aren't looking forward to doing.  This is facing your blocks.  Now, look at yourself in the mirror and yell and wave the paper around a lot... "What? It's COLD?! You don't want to run because it's a little chilly?  Pansy*!"  Then, realize that all that wasn't necessary, but sometimes you have to change where you are sitting to see something from another angle.  Ask yourself, "Why is this so difficult for me?  Why am I putting it off?" 

If you can't get over it, get around it.

*Note: Anyone who knows me knows I have much more... colorful language skills.  I will allow you to adjust for your own level of comfort.  Go to where you are comfortable, and then turn it up 3 notches.  Yeah, scare yourself with foul language.  

Challenge yourself, people!  You are the product of a bajillion years of evolution... Act like it.  

I listed my dress, I updated my résumé, I went outside while it was cold, I waved my paper and yelled in the mirror, I even wrote a few notes to send love and catch up to some folks from days-gone-by as a gesture to you, my readers.  I cannot, in good faith, ask you to do something I have not or will not.  Now, someone buy my wedding dress, please. 

If there is no struggle, there is no progress.  -Frederick Douglass 

xx.a

musical hearts

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.

-Aldous Huxley

My bare feet on the hardwood floors of my room here in Quito slowly exchange places as I wander between my four walls, cup of freshly brewed coffee warming my hands and my hair falling over my shoulders as I collect discarded pieces of days passed.  Rain drops hit my window and cause the plants outside to dance to the melody made by the collaboration with the glass.  Adele pours from the speakers of the laptop on my bed and seems to roll across my alpaca blanket and float off the edges and dance around me.  My jeans scrape the floor as I step to the window and listen to Adele mix with the sounds of the rain on the pavement and I return to my bed and close my eyes to allow Adele's sultry voice to take me to a peaceful, yet passionate, place... A place I am sure I could not have reached without her.  A place where I do not believe I could have reached with Snoop Dog or Thrice, though, admittedly, I am a fan of both.  

We have all been in a place where the music sets the tone of the moment: getting ready with the girls for a night out calls for Pink's "Raise Your Glass" and driving down Pacific Coast Highway with the windows down and the sun kissing your skin calls for "Drive" by Incubus.  The more I travel, the more types of music I am exposed to, and the more I find myself connecting memories with a soundtrack. The emotion we associate with songs can define a moment (a la romantic comedies) or create within us an undeniable alegra. 

I wanted to explore what it is about a song- or music in general- that moves us to move mountains for a chorus or dive the depths of the sea for a hook.  I figured, where better to find the source of the emotion of the song than the songwriter? 

I wrote to my good friend, Paul Stark, in Dallas, Texas in hopes of grasping an understanding of such an intangible gift.  I asked him to shine some light on my newest blog subject, and to no surprise, he did just that.  The songwriter wrote: 

"I used to sit and look at pages of lyrics and have no 

idea how to bring them together, then I would put together 

a song and hate it. I didn't like my own songs, even 

though everyone around me requested to hear them, 

they all seemed to have more of a connection to them than i did. 

 That's when I started writing songs for myself and no one else. 

When i started doing that, true emotion started coming through 

because it was what I was feeling at the time... 

it was very real to me. 

When a song has true emotion, the listener can 

feel it and THAT is when they make an emotional 

connection to the song. Then, things started to flow... 

I realized why so many song writers write so vaguely-- 

because even though they know exactly how 

the song translates to for them, and what it means, 

it can translate into something completely different for someone else. 

That's the cool thing about music: it is interpreted. 

No one hears it through the same ears. 

So, to answer your question, 

"What do you hope your music does for people?"... 

I hope it does exactly what they want it to."

I inquired about Paul's latest release, "Jump", as a follow up to his first original, "Avalanche", it had big shoes to fill.  Paul told me the song is about himself and a girl, and the only thing holding them back from something that could be really great was the fear that she would get hurt like she had been in the past. The song was his effort to get her to "jump", to take a risk on him, as well as on them...

"...she felt it

...I felt it

...so jump."

I loved the message of "Jump" so much that I found my attraction to this song growing and growing with every repeat on YouTube.  "Avalanche", on the other hand, though I loved the strong lyrics, the guitar is what caused me to fall in love with the song.  His clean playing style and soulful melodies had me hooked.  Like any good musician, Paul has all of his social networking ducks in a row.  Paul Stark Music on facebook, his YouTube channel has a few of his songs (with more to come) and his Twitter account is building quickly... Please take some time to have a listen and enjoy.  Your ears, and most likely your heart, will thank you.

Without music, life would be a mistake.
-Friedrich Nietzsche

I also wrote to my father, a longtime musician and songwriter, who I owe my appreciation of music to almost wholly.  I asked him what kept him in love with music after 50 years of loving, fighting, breaking up, reuniting, and creating beautiful miracles together.  My father has continuously surprised me over the last 20 something years, and I believe that I inherited a lot of that from him.  The response I received not only helped me understand him even more than I believed I already did, but helped me realize why I do what I do when it comes to music.  I connect.  I live and die through some songs.  I can hear "Hands Down" by Dashboard Confessional and think back to my senior year in high school, when I was dating a junior in college, and remember the emotions that were associated with our dating and our break-up.  I can hear "Hero" by Mariah Carey and remember rewinding the cassette tape (shut up) two or three (ok, twenty three) times over and singing on the top of my lungs as I imagined myself on stage in front of thousands of people. 

"As I started playing guitar, I found a new level in enjoying music. 

I thought everybody had songs going in their heads 

all the time like I did. Not true, I found.  

I also found some had others tunes going, 

but not new, unheard music like I did. 

When I started playing in bands, I didn't pay much attention 

to "cover" songs. We did a few, but we did play 

songs that I or we wrote. 

The world had changed for me, again."

My father started teaching me to play guitar at the ripe old age of 16.  He broke down chords for me, simplified power chords (hey, my hands aren't as big as his) so I could play more songs, and helped me break down the strumming patterns of my favorite songs. I began hearing music differently, as well.  I heard strumming patterns, bass lines, drums that swayed my emotions... I realized it wasn't just a singular thing that determined how I reacted to a song: It was a collaboration beyond words. 

I detest Coldplay.  There.  I said it.  I understand if you want to stop reading and call me a communist in the comment section, so be it.  However, before you line me up in front of the firing squad, know that one of my absolute favorite songs is "Fix You" by the very band I cannot stomach.  One day, I was on this thing called "YouTube" (it should make it big one day...) and I discovered a cover by a group called "Boyce Avenue".  After listening to their cover of "Fix You" I found my eyes closed, tears streaming down my face, my hand on my heart, and my body involuntarily swaying to the sweet and simple sounds emanating from the speakers.  Whoa.  I mean, I love this song, but, really?  The arrangement wasn't too different, but I found their version touched me differently than the somewhat over-produced original. I started seeking out more covers to see if it was just this one song, just Boyce Avenue, or if there was a massive abundance of covers that were going to rip my heart away from my allegiance to the originals.  Turns out, there is a solid mixture of both.  I believe that everyone is affected differently by each song.  Personally, I am a sucker for a prominent guitar any day.  My good friend here in Ecuador, Juan David, is a drummer and will pick a song with solid drumming over everything else, without fail, regardless of lyrics or overall sound.

"Making music with friends is as good as sex. When a band is clicking together, it's almost telepathic. You glance at the drummer and lock eyes and the punches or changes are tighter, more together and sometimes happen spontaneously. All the band starts to feel it and the harmonies get tighter, everybody is smiling and you feel safe and supported by the band. You take a solo, knowing that they won't fall apart without you. You get to soar, feel the notes flying off your finger tips. You play things you didn't know you could do 2 minutes ago and feel 10 feet tall. Time ceases to exist as all you are is a guitar and a song. U2 said it as they recorded All Along The Watchtower. "All I have is this guitar, 3 chords and the truth". And, like a teenager that discovered sex, you can't wait to do that again."

My father's words.  This may be the very reason why we become addicted to music and find ourselves in a pseudo-relationship with songs.  If musicians pour themselves into these songs as my father described; no wonder the emotions bind us to their verses! Regardless of where your musical interests lie, it is undeniable that music is innately a part of us and is a massive part of our lives.  Every movie, every major event in our lives, and every relationship has music... And I wouldn't have it any other way. 

  

A painter paints pictures on canvas.  But musicians paint their pictures on silence.  

-Leopold Stokowski

xx.a

time does not change us, it just unfolds us.

That very Max Frisch quote rings in my ears as I walked laps at the park this morning with the kids I nanny in tow.  I believe that the events that occur during said time change us; they mature us, build character, leave battle wounds that remind us of lessons learned... And if we are reckless, leave us scarred and embittered.  I am fortunate enough to have learned early on that regret and remorse over so-called 'mistakes' is a waste of time... But not before letting regret live in my heart and head rent free for countless years.  


Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.  -Will Rogers 


This is precisely what I am striving to avoid.  I have said before that I have no intention of waiting until I am in my last decades to wander this great planet, and I have no intention of allowing the one thing that truly defines me to go to waste: dichotomy.  I need balance in my life, I came to that conclusion in my early twenties and have since been a better version of myself.  When I was taking 28 credit hours and working 3 part-time jobs, I was all work and no fun.  Currently, I am the opposite of the aforementioned lifestyle, and I am craving some structure to my life... But just a little.  The same balance can be applied to my "retirement years"... I don't want them.  I like working, I like earning things and feeling a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.  It may be commissioned artwork only, or I may teach until I am in my 80's, but I know I don't want to kick back and do nothing at the end of my life.  Work, travel, love, rest... Live.  


That being said, I also believe that dear Father Time is not the only key-holder to our true selves.  Yes, events in our lives- first loves, first time having sex, first fight with our parents, first brush with death, first time traveling, first time living on your own- they build character and help you mature... But it is also the decisions we make that show us who we are. 


"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." – Unknown 


These words remind me of a very passionate, but tumultuous, relationship I was in for a very long time.  The words never quite matched the actions because the actions were a reflection of the thoughts & feelings.  In this life we live, words are the easiest thing to fake.  I, for one, refuse to "fake it til I make it" because I know that I deserve better than that, and so do the people in my life.  Your thoughts, words, actions, habits, & character are all what lead you to where you are going: Don't blame "fate" for things that happen... There is a sense of Karma (whatever you want to call it) in this Universe, so be kind and be careful what you put out there and how you treat others, but you are in control of your life!  If you pay attention, you will find your true self a little bit each day... Then live.

Strong then... 

Strong now...

  xx.a