illegal block: get around and sell a dress

Writer's block.  Building blocks.  New Kids on the Block.  Jenny from The Block.

I have experience with all of these, but there is one more block that trips me up: Blockage.

Blockage is when you know you need to do something and you not only feel within you a great desire to avoid something.  Now, this differs from not wanting to do laundry or write a paper.  Those are task that few souls enjoy and it's obvious as to why they would be avoided.  Blockage refers to the tasks that aren't that heavy or laden with negativity, but your psyche or subconscious are strongly adverse to completing.

Let's get personal.  About 4 years ago I let someone put a ring on my finger... I won't say I shouldn't have or that I regret it because it was part of a path that lead me here and I am one happy little lady... However, I will say that we were definitely not meant to be together.  I won't presume to speak for him, but I know I wish him well and learned a lot.  Now, during this whole proposal, I did what every bride-to-be does and planned a wedding.  I even found "The Perfect Dress" (Yes, that's a link to see it.  I need my reader emotionally involved!).  Yeah, well now this "perfect dress" has been hanging in my closet (on two sides of this country, nonetheless) for over 3 years and it's time to say goodbye.  I have changed, my body has changed, my heart has changed... and even though the dress is gorgeous and in perfect condition, I can't seem to wrap my head around putting it on and strolling down the isle to... anyone.  Time to sell.  Time to sell... tomorrow.  Oh, or Thursday after I have coffee with Amanda.  Well, Friday I want to finish painting that multimedia piece... Whoa.  Wait, why the hell am I making excuses?  I need that money to finish my schooling, which will propel me into a place I have wanted to be for a decade.  I need to not have a reminder of the past and an unhealthy relationship hanging next to my favorite blazer.  Why then, self, are you not throwing that bad boy on a billboard and laughing all the way to the bank?  

Simple.  We cannot just sell shit and not deal with the issue.  We know, in our core of cores, that when we sell the perfect dress, update the dreaded résumé, or finally catch up with someone we have been 'meaning to call' that we are, in fact, addressing an issue... Whether we want to or not.  Updating your résumé means you have to think about your future, explain your past, justify your actions, and put yourself out there.  It's change.  Catching up with someone (the relationship determines a lot, here) means you have to figure out why you weren't spending more time together or chatting, explain yourself, possibly apologize, and update another person about your Pinterest projects or listen to their potty training stories.  

Selling my former would-be wedding dress was a little different.  You would think it would be difficult because it was saying "goodbye" to him, our former would-be future, etc... However, it was more about the value of the dress.  My ex and I have no unfinished business, but I do value that dress because it was a beautiful time in my life and I hold it at a value where money doesn't touch it.  However, since I cannot buy a plane ticket with emotions and I don't need an expensive dress I can't wear anywhere to remind me of the lessons I have learned, out she goes.  

Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice. 
-Wayne Dyer 

You have to want to move past these issues.  It's like working out; you dread going to the gym and have a thousand excuses, however while you are working out you can actually feel the improvement in your mindset, you become proud of yourself, and the more you do it, the easier it becomes.  Afterwards, you feel fantastic and you see a change (just go with me on that one...).  

Remember when I challenged you? (If not, click on it and read it.  I double dare you...) Well, consider this challenge numero dos.  

Write down a 'To Do' list.  List everything from household chores to errands to things you have been meaning to do.  Then highlight the really specific ones you aren't looking forward to doing.   That in itself is a huge step... Give yourself a cookie.  Just one, dude...  

Now, turn your paper over and write why each one is something you aren't looking forward to doing.  This is facing your blocks.  Now, look at yourself in the mirror and yell and wave the paper around a lot... "What? It's COLD?! You don't want to run because it's a little chilly?  Pansy*!"  Then, realize that all that wasn't necessary, but sometimes you have to change where you are sitting to see something from another angle.  Ask yourself, "Why is this so difficult for me?  Why am I putting it off?" 

If you can't get over it, get around it.

*Note: Anyone who knows me knows I have much more... colorful language skills.  I will allow you to adjust for your own level of comfort.  Go to where you are comfortable, and then turn it up 3 notches.  Yeah, scare yourself with foul language.  

Challenge yourself, people!  You are the product of a bajillion years of evolution... Act like it.  

I listed my dress, I updated my résumé, I went outside while it was cold, I waved my paper and yelled in the mirror, I even wrote a few notes to send love and catch up to some folks from days-gone-by as a gesture to you, my readers.  I cannot, in good faith, ask you to do something I have not or will not.  Now, someone buy my wedding dress, please. 

If there is no struggle, there is no progress.  -Frederick Douglass 

xx.a

artsy fartsy: gum on your shoe and a high five

Two people standing in front of a piece of art will see very different things more often than not.  

When I stand in front of a Clark Takashima original from The Dream Series in the gallery I work at on the North Shore of Oahu, I see the water for what I feel it really is.  Others see strands of hair, deities, magic, or even just a  simple wave.  This piece, entitled "Vibrational Planes", has so many hidden elements.  The ohm symbols, the orb of life, the manifestation of the implied peace with the universe... It is difficult to look at this piece and be bored or uninspired.  

The same can be said for most of the occurrences in the universe and our daily lives.  When I step in gum, I simply scrape it off and throw it away, and I assume it was the universe keeping me from stepping off the curb into a speeding bus or allowing me the few moments I needed to wait to run into an old friend.  Hell, sometimes it is just stepping in gum and there is nothing significant to it at the time... Until the butterfly effect hits.  

Others may step in gum, and burst into tears, as it is officially the worst day ever.  Ever.  How does one get into a mental and/or spiritual place in which the simple act of an annoying tidbit can break their spirit?  One word: Perspective.  You cannot allow for yourself to find the negative attributes of the day or a single action break you.  Yes, we all deserve a day where we snuggle up on the couch, eat junk food, and watch five seasons of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix.  Conversely, we also deserve days where we pick ourselves up out of the rubble, slap on a smile, and find the brighter side. 

Any time I have a rough day, I try and focus on the blessings and brighter moments in an effort to not let myself slide back into the quicksand.  And, yes, dear reader, it is indeed quicksand.  Negativity, self-pity, and shitty days will keep on sucking you in.  Everyone is sick to death of the  person on facebook that has Armageddon in their lives all week, every week.  So, you stepped in gum.  That sucks.  At least you have money for shoes, legs and feet to put them on, no debilitating disease preventing you from walking, and you're in a safe enough place in the world where you can walk outside without car bombs threatening your safety and life.  

Was that a bit dramatic?  Perhaps.  However, so is stating that you hate your life because you're in a boring meeting.  Guess what, kiddo:  You have a job!  Boom.  Lawyered.  

You cannot appreciate the sun without the rain, the warmth without the cold, and a person until you have truly missed them.  

Moving to Hawaii showed me how much I missed the warmth, but it also made me miss those crisp, cool days in Quito over the last year.  One slightly overcast afternoon, I was sitting at Rumfire in Waikiki, my home away from home on the island, and listened to the waves while I sipped an ice cold Kona beer and listened to a few girls (transplants from southern California and Florida) bitch about the weather being "gross, ugly, and lame".  Seriously?  Seriously.  If it is sunshine and no clouds, it's too hot.  If it's raining, it's a drag.  If it's overcast, it's ugly.  

Perspective, people.  

You live in Oahu, Hawaii where people save their entire lives to go visit just once and you have lost sight of the beauty that surrounds you.  You are living someone else's dream... How dare you take that for granted?  If we all stopped complaining about stupid shit and looked at the positives, I think we would all have bigger smiles, fuller pockets, and warmer hearts. 

Now, go high five someone.

xx.a

somewhere between champagne and backpacks

I like to make movies in my head.  I also like to sound insane by admitting really strange things and blabbing them somewhat incoherently on a blog that I have managed to trick countless readers into following.  Yeah, so, movies... I like to close my eyes while lying in bed and listening to the sounds of the city and imagine myself in places halfway round the world.  I imagine myself, for example, in Dubai, running my fingers along the sleek glass of the Burj Al Arab Hotel as it glitters under the UAE sun.  I begin to feel the hot sand seep into my sandals as I wander the beaches and take in the slight, compassionate breeze.  I listen for the Arabic, Malayalam, and Urdu words that float through the air and into my ears like foreign lullabies that sing to sleep my worries of the unknown.  I breathe in the smells of nearby shishas being shared by friends and colleagues, smells of grape, peach, and apple call me to come inhale and taste their sweet smoke.  Shawarmas, ghuzi, hoummus, and lamb cause me time and time again to overeat, as the taste is too compelling to not have just one more... 

All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware. –Martin Buber

I see myself walking around markets and trying new foods, sharing experiences with new friends, and writing home to old ones.  Then, I remember where I am at that moment.  Whether I am lying in bed, riding the bus to work, walking through a park, or sipping wine on a patio... I am in Quito, Ecuador.  Six months ago, I was making movies in my sweet little hometown of Corona, California and dreaming about things I didn't even know that I would miss one day.  I dreamt of salsa dancing with Latin men, eating succulent chicken and steamy rice dishes, learning to speak Spanish, drinking ice cold beers in tiendas, and being surrounded by the bohemian spirit.  

I must constantly remind myself to be grateful for what I have, as I am not only currently living my dream but living another soul's dream, by chance, and how dare I take that for granted.  However, this fact will not keep me from dreaming, but will keep me grounded.  I find, once again, my life is a balancing act.  I refuse to let anyone tell me (or anyone else) what balance should be stricken, but I will concede that there need be one.  Some people are unable to live in the now and bury their heads in the sands of the future, finding themselves, one day, middle aged and no better off than they thought.  Some individuals refuse to look at any day but the one they reside in, giving no thought to what lies ahead.  I see merit in both of these approaches, but cannot help but dance slowly around both until we all are swaying together.  The dichotomy that both defines and frees me is what keeps me with my heart, mind, and eyes open.

I just celebrated my four month anniversary here in South America and have had a few revelations while lying on the grass watching the clouds move or cooking eggs and vegetables while listening to the rain fall... I have a gypsy spirit. I am always looking for an inexpensive plane ticket or some special on a boat or train that can deliver my spirit somewhere new and enriching.  I have lost almost all attachment to the things I have left behind in my parents' home and find myself missing people (and food) above all other worldly things. My gypsy spirit beckons to me on the regular, though I cannot honestly say that I always understand what it is she wants from me... However, I try and nourish her as often as I can.  The question has now become, "What nourishes my gypsy spirit?"

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.  -Marcel Proust

I find that when a backpack is strapped to my back and the ground moves at my discretion beneath my feet, that is when I am the most free.  I find myself dancing on the inside.  I live for the feeling of the unknown, the rush from adventure, and the newly sharpened perspective of a place or culture.  I love the independence of the road, the freedom of the sky, and the defiance of the sea.  I know what I take with me is all I need, the music that I find along the way will guide me as a soundtrack, and wherever I land there will be someone to share a cold beer and a story with. 

There is a small part of me that misses some of the comforts and, dare I say, luxuries... I am a sucker for a cold bottle of champagne and a hot bubble bath.  I don't care if it borders on a cliche from a Julia Roberts movie; I will surround myself with candles and soak in bath salts until I am drunk and pruned.  What is it about champagne and all that is associated with it that plucks at my heart strings?  I am not accustomed to luxuries, so it cannot be that I am spoiled or entitled... Is it security?  Perhaps.  The last 10 years have been more inconsistent than stable, by far, and the concept of stability is a folly, at this point.   

I have found that I now crave change more than ever, which contradicts my initial beliefs of stability being the answer to my pseudo-problems.  After just a few months in Ecuador, I was searching for mini-vacations to satiate my lust for travel and going to different bars and restaurants in an effort to diversify my days.  Instead of getting to know new friends over coffee, I prefer to take day trips with them or try something new and crazy.

I went to Colombia for Carnaval this passed February and stayed in a sweet little hostel a few minutes walk from Old Town. The freedom I felt as I rocked in an old, wooden rocking chair with my bare feet on the mosaic tile floor of the community courtyard was liberating. I am so fortunate to be sipping fresh Colombian coffee on the Caribbean coast, exploring one of the most misunderstood countries
In the world, and living, not only my dream, but countless others' as well. The beds were mediocre, but acceptable, the family running the hostel rarely wore shoes, and there was no hot running water. Why on earth was this heavenly to me? Where were the big, white fluffy bathrobes? Where was the huge jacuzzi tub? Where was the massive, luxurious bed? Why was I not missing any of those things?

These questions are not limited to this experience, nor my travels. I have little preoccupation with marriage and zero concern about my biological clock ticking. According to society, that makes me a gypsy and a weirdo... I'll take both with a smile. Though I truly miss my dryer, I have grown accustomed to hanging my laundry to dry. I feel as though my newly adopted lifestyle has altered my perception of what is normal and what is a luxury. A few years back, normal was having a fridge full of food, having a bathtub, and being able to flush toilet paper. All of those are now luxuries. I count change now, saving every coin I find, knowing it could add up to a bus fare or an almuerzo, whereas I used to give all my change to the neighborhood kids or into the family's communal beer bottle bank. I've not become money-hungry by any means, but I am definitely more careful than ever with my spending.

So, I've fallen in love with my backpack. I've traded my dreams of grey walls and throw pillows for dreams of conversations in a foreign language and stamps in my passport. What of my champagne? I am still a classy broad in need of romance (of my own, personal definition) and a a human being in need of comfort. Can I love both my backpack and my champagne? Must I choose? I believe that it can be both... I can stand on the top of a mountain, backpack in tow, and sip my champagne with sweet satisfaction. I have spent the majority of my adult life bending over backwards for people in my life, sacrificing career and self, it's my turn to find the balance I desire: I want champagne and a backpack.

My life is befitting of dichotomy. I work hard and I love harder. Dressing up and going out for a night on the town is as enticing as watching movies in bed while eating pizza. I find contradictions within my dichotomy... I feel at home in cities I've never been before. I find some of my best friends are people whom I spend a few hours speaking to while lying in a park. My favorite things to write about are experiences that leave me without words. Perhaps, my home lies somewhere between champagne and a backpack.

xx.a

rain, rain, come when I say...

The rain is loved by some, hated by others. Either way you tend to lean it seems that there is no escaping that it refreshes and renews everything, washes clean the day to day madness and waste and allows a clearer view of the world upon ceasing.  It is considered, by some, to be a necessary evil- washing our cars, watering our lawns and gardens, cleaning our gutters- but in this world of instant gratification, society often wants what it wants, but when when they want it.  


We don't always want things when they are offered to us and can even be found proverbially stomping our feet when it is raining instead of the sun beating down on our skin.  Isn't this true of opportunities in our everyday life?  Perhaps the rain, so to speak, is offered to us to help us reset our points of view and our behavior.  Everyone needs a rest once in a while, to decline a social engagement and recharge their batteries, reconnecting with their loved ones at home, or even just yourself.  Why complain about the rain when you can take a deep breath and appreciate that maybe it is time to reconnect, recharge, or just put that to-do list in its place.  


The same can be said for a moment of weakness or sadness in life, even if unprovoked or elicited, just to allow yourself to settle and release anything negative from the week.  I don't think some people allow themselves the quite moments where the rain beats on the windows and there is silence.  Conversely, some people focus far too much on the torrential downpour they feel their life represents.  To those glass-half-empty people; knock it off. Life is tough, we all go through a tremendous amount of suffering, loss & tragedy in our lives.  Truth be told, some handle more than others, but that doesn't mean you can't appreciate the beautiful moments that bombard us daily!  Stop focusing on the negative, and find the silver lining. 

"Rain, rain, go away... Come again another day!" 


I think it beneficial to learn to appreciate the rain, for without it, we cannot appreciate the sun.  Just like we cannot appreciate those wonderful moments with our loved ones without time alone, and the reverse being just as true.  So when it rains, remember that it is feeding your gardens and lawns, which when it is sunny, you will play on and enjoy so much more, as they are green and healthy.  When your soul has a rainy day, remember that it is making you stronger and you are going to be twice as amazing the next day.  We should stop trying to control every aspect of our lives, allow some things to carry you to a new and wonderful place, then get back on your feet and forge an incredible path of your own.  


"Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky." -Rabindranath Tagore 


xx.a