So I was sitting in the Beverly Center allowing traffic to die down before my trek home and these two average looking gentlemen sat a table away from me. As I devoured my Kung Pow Chicken, I overheard them start to pray. They thanks God for their food and asked that it nourish their bodies as their relationships with God nourished their souls. Bam. In my face.
When did I stop thanking God for something as vital as food? I talk to him every day, asking for guidance and help to do the right thing when the time calls for a decision, even appreciating the sunsets that I sometimes have the pleasure of seeing on my ridiculous drive home. For some reason, when I stopped thanking him for food (it seemed at the time) I lost the connection. No, I don't think that saying a blessing before eating was my divine connection, but the forethought is definitely something to be considered.
So then I started considering why I have been feeling like I have been floating around. My job used to be the dull ache in my spine, but I am really loving my new job and all the people I work with. So now what is it? I'm not unhappy... I'm disconnected. I have been moving back and forth so much in the last few years that I haven't been able to maintain but a few good friendships. When I went through my "Mr. Big Break-Up", where were my Charlotte, Samantha & Miranda? No one kidnapped me and took me to Mexico, but can I really feel hurt by that? I had a place to stay for a short while while I got on my feet and remembered how to breathe, but I stumbled on my own through the dark until sunrise. Haven't I been a Charlotte when needed?
Moving also affected my connection to wherever I lived. Moving every year for the last 6 has definitely left its mark on me and mine. I cannot call any given city home. Corona, Culver City, Los Angeles, Irving, Mansfield, Arlington, Dallas, Ft. Worth, Grand Prairie... My car is the closest thing to home right now... I need to pick a place and settle for a while.
Settle. I love to travel, but you can do that from anywhere. It's time to start thinking about family. But what about [insert forty things here]? It will all work out the way it's supposed to... Right? If this job stays as fantastic as it is now, I will find a place to settle down here for a few years. If not, then the adventure begins again. More lottery tickets, so to speak. Settle doesn't imply agreeing to live with something that isn't fantastic, but to give something the proper time to grow and blossom and experience it's majesty.
Family. I cannot start trying to have a family until things are a little more stable in certain areas. No one is ever financially prepared for a child, but my situation doesn't allow too much time for that to be a major issue. Anyone ever seen 'Idiocracy'?
Now to reconnect. Perhaps my increased level of happiness due to my career being back on track and working a job I love will add to all other aspects of my life. I don't want my happiness to revolve around that little line turning blue.
For those who don't know, in June I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. It was also discovered that I was born without my right ovary. This expedites both my rate of losing all my eggs (menopause) and my risks of having internal damage from the Endometriosis. My incredible doctor (whom I miss dearly here in LA) gave me a few years to have kids naturally, if at all. In the mean time, with no known cures or treatments outside of surgery or hormone shots, this was a major blow to my maternal side and another challenge obviously God thinks I can handle. Thanks for the vote of confidence...
So now the adventure begins. The point of this blog. To figure out what and how I am going to do.
I'm prepared to be unprepared. I am prepared for those to happen completely out of sequence. I am prepared for God's plan...
Wish me luck.
xx.a
xx.a
